Things I've Bought that I Love

London Sole

2008-04-08T11:57:00.000-07:00

I love heels. Of course I do. I've gone on ad nauseum about the many charms of Christian Louboutins.

I admire those girls who sprint across the main floor of Penn Station in their skyscraper heels. It's like a charming tampon commercial about modern women making it in the big city. What's not to like?

But heels (and this is not profound) usually hurt like HELL. Either your toes are crumpled into a ball or your heel gets those gross and painful jellyfish-looking blisters. Yeeuck. Also they constantly get caught in grates when you walk down the street (I once got both of my stiletto heels caught in a grate outside of Sardi's while I running to a matinee of "Take Me Out". (If you think I am going to resist punning that my heels nearly "Took Me Out", you are sorely mistaken. My heels nearly took ME out, you guys!)). Anyway, while I was stuck there, a handsome/nebbish Jonathan Safran Foer type helped me out of the grate and we talked for a block and a half until he got into the TKTS line. So, that was kind of an awesome New York romantic comedy moment I owe to heels.

Flats don't usually lead to these kind of romantic situations. However, they CAN lead to long walks in cool cities where you aren't in a constant state of pain, and comfort at work.

I own four pairs of London Soles, and they are the best flats ever. Weirdly, flats can be very, very uncomfortable too, if you're not careful. You should always check that they have enough support so they don't hurt your arches. Also, flats get dirtier than heels because they're closer to the ground, so you need to get a sturdy leather that can be cleaned.

They're pricey, from $125 to $245, but honestly you will wear them everyday, with any kind of outfit. Remember those old ads on TV for those heels that they said were as comfortable as a pair of sneakers? And then you went to the store and they were a)not as comfortable as sneakers and b) resembled old ugly nun shoes? Well, London soles are actually as comfortable as sneakers and ugly nun shoes but come in the best, most fashionable styles.

I urge all women to own at least their basic black ballet flat. Do it! People will be so envious when they see you take off your shoes for airport security. They'll be all: Now I have airport INSECURITY about MY OWN SHOES.
Also, the online sale section is sick.

Good for: Girls and women who need weekday shoes but hate anything practical.

www.londonsoles.com

Sour Candies

2008-03-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

I wish I had a chocolate addiction. People I know who have strong chocolate addictions have managed to find healthy ways to stifle this craving; "All I need to satisfy me is one small square of dark chocolate in the afternoon and another at night." I hear them say. Low in calories and high in anti-oxidants, the littlest taste of cocoa and butterfat can sustain my friends all day.

This is the "Big Daddy" bar from the amazing Jacques Torres.

Over 2 lbs is $22 and you can break it up into guilt-free little pieces.

Those of us addicted to sour candies are not so lucky. When I finish eating a regular sized bar of chocolate, I'm like: "Oh, that tasted good. That satiated me. I don't need to eat another one for 6-8 months." But when I finish a regular sized bag of Sour Patch Kids, my eyes gleam red and I'm like: "WHY HAS THIS BAG EMPTIED!! SOMEONE GIVE ME FIVE MORE BAGS OR EVERYONE'S DEAD!!!". Even the monster sized bags at the movies seem small. (For this reason it is a joy to go to the movies with Helers - he never finishes anything he eats, strange Ascetic that he is. (He in turn would probably tell me a "lady never completes a bag of sweets" because Steve is from the pre-Great Fire 1900's)).

Get on with the sour candies, you are saying about now, enough with the vaguely interesting anecdotes. Fine, fine.

1. Haribo Gummi Candy, Sour Cherries

When the concept of Sour met Sweet, it was like when Paul McCartney met John Lennon. Then when Sour and Sweet met Chewy, it was like they ran into Mick Jagger at the post office and had one long jam session. When Sour and Sweet and Chewy met Cherry, it was like the cops came to break up the jam session and the sheriff was Michael Jackson in 1981 and he like moonwalked all over the place.

Price: $14.99 for a 5lb bag. At amazon.com

2. When you're not eating candy and being healthful, you can still have a little sour candy kick, guiltlessly.

Sour Altoids are a great crunchy little mouth explosion. You can pop three at a time and know you're not consuming more than about 15 calories. (And don't you burn that by crunching them anyway?). They come in five flavors but I like tangerine the best.

Price: $19.90 for 8 tins at candywarehouse.com

3. Sour Bright Crawlers in Dylan's Candy Bar Paint Can

I don't NEED my sour candy to be in the shape of vermin, but boy do I like it.

Oh Dylan Lauren and Jeff Rubin. Thank you for taking your combined clout and good taste (Ralph Lauren's daughter and CEO of FAO Schwartz) and making the amazing Dylan's Candy Bar. Talk about instantly creating a magical New York institution that children hear about from across the country beg their parents to see. As a fat child, I would've been more interested in Dylan's Candy Bar than Disneyland. Actually, as a chubby 20-something when it opened, I was still pretty psyched. DCB deserves more of a shout-out than this mere mention, so I'll curtail further description until a later date.

You can buy these great Sour Bright Crawlers online though for $13 at dylanscandybar.com.

The Posso Spat

2008-03-19T18:04:00.001-07:00

So much of why dressing up is fun is embellishing boring old basics I own so I'm excited about them again. I believe this is the main psychological thrust behind "The Bedazzler", which transforms anything by covering it in rhinestones (and for the record, I would have KILLED for as a child). It's also why I would turn cashmere socks into arm warmers.

I'm like a lot of girls; I admire craftsy do-it-yourself couture. It's like that girl in the unconventional cool dress at the party and you ask: "Oh my god, I love that dress! Who designed it?" And she - with faint smugness - responds "Oh, I made this, actually." I totally hate and am jealous of that awesome girl!!!

Certain things I blog about will be controversial. I recall a pair of gold polka-dotted panties I raved about that Danny disliked. The Posso Spat is bound to be one of those controversial blog entries. Guys probably will think these are strange, but as I blogged about earlier this week, guys can be too timid about foot fanciness. Screw 'em!

Spats you guys. Check it out:

I love these. At first you think: "What interesting shoes that girl is wearing." And then you realize the tops are detachable fashion pieces and you're like "Whoa, where is this girl from that she can get these fucking strange accesories?!".

I mean, this is a straight up doo-hickey. Isn't it? I love them so much. They can be worn over any type of heel and make it look like a completely different kind of shoe.

And they're on sale now for $61 at revolveclothing.com, which is quickly becoming my favorite online boutique because of their sick sales and awesome customer feedback section.

For: Awesome girls who like slightly weird fashion-y things.

Price: $61

Carol's Daughter Candy Paint

2008-03-06T08:41:00.000-08:00

I don't care what the magazines say. The #1 way to age yourself is to wear lipstick. Matte, Shiny, it just doesn't matter. Lipstick is the worst. I can rail against lipstick forever. And even though it's supposed to accentuate the your pouty, feminine lips, I actually think lipstick can have a trying-too-hard or tranny-ish effect (ie. Christina Aguilera, Amy Winehouse, both lovely ladies...undone by lipstick!).

Lip gloss on the other hand, merveilleux!! Lip glosses make you look like a dewy princess who needs to be kissed. In this great era of no-fuss makeup, a cheerful blush and lip gloss are really all you need to look great.

I love Carol's Daughter, a line of body care and beauty products started by the very cool Lisa Price. Carol's Daughter is boutique line, but it's a huge celeb favorite, especially celebrities of color. If you go to her site, it's like all Tyra Banks and Mary J. Blige all glistening and naked and raving about their products. Awesome.

The candy paint is the best consistency. It's gel-y but not thick, and doesn't come off immediately if you drink a soda. It will probably need a re-application or two during the day, because lipgloss isn't spackle, you guys. Get a grip. (Honestly, would you really LIKE it if your lip gloss didn't EVER come off during the day? Weird chemical glueyness! Yuck). There's lots of choices for lipglosses out there, but Candy Paint is great because of the colors.

Ever wonder how Beyonce or J.Lo have perfect pink-and-gold sparkle Aztec Goddess lips? I swear it's because of Bossy, the all-over gold gloss that looks great over a pink shade of lipliner or amazing just by itself. And the basic pinks are fantastic too, not that wimpy stuff you get at Sephora which looks all cool in the tube but comes out like clear nothingness. My other favorites are Park Avenue Pink and Purple Reign.

Also: Check out Carol's Daughter's body butters.
They're scented, so for me, I don't use them every day, but on weekends, it's a good ritual to butter up your elbows and knees, and the skin on your knuckles and stuff. It has lasting effects, even if you only do it once a week.

Your boyfriend can do it too! In fact he should. He's the one who gets to handle your soft little joints, he owes it to you to have soft ones too. I like their "Love" Body Butter, which is technically unisex, which is a funny notion to me, because if Ben were to buy "Love Body Butter" of his own volition, I'd assume he was secretly gay or cheating on me with Jada Pinkett Smith.

Price:
Candy Paints: $13.50
Body Butters: $18.00

available at www.carolsdaughter.com

Or go visit her store in Fort Greene, Brooklyn! It's down the street from Spike Lee's Forty Acres and A Mule Production Company front. Cool.

Valentines Day Lingerie

2008-01-29T22:43:00.000-08:00

The great thing about Valentines Day is that, if you're a girl, you get to do nothing. Well, nothing official. Picking a place to have dinner, making reservations, planning other romantic date stuff, that's all out of our hands. This makes the day excruciatingly suspenseful, at least for me.

Unofficially, there's tons to do. All varieties of body waxing and nail-grooming going on. For me, the most fun thing is picking out a Valentines Day lingerie.

About now, my male readers probably have a gun to their heads. But wait! Don't shoot! This is helpful for you too. I think your ladies will be ultra-delighted if you were to present them with these gifts on Valentines Day. Nothing is a better scenario than this:

INT. OUR HERO'S ONE BEDROOM IN EAST HOLLYWOOD/PARK SLOPE
Hero: Hope you like this.
(Girl opens package)
Girl: Oh my god, adorable lingerie in a size small!
Hero: Well, I just figured you seem so tiny to me, so...
Girl: Oh my god, I do??
Hero: Oh hell yeah. You're like a little dab of butter. Or a beautiful rose.
Girl: Really?
Hero: Yeah, now stop yappin' and go put that on. (nb. It's okay to order girls around once you've covered them with compliments).

Here are my choices:

1. I'm very literal minded about holidays. I like wearing Christmas tree earrings at Christmas parties. It's the old lady-tchotchke side of me. That's why I love lingerie with hearts on it for Valentines Day. It's super cute, and shows a charming adherence to holiday themes.

I love these Fredericks of Hollywood bra set and garter set. Too cute.

Embroidered heart bra: $32
Embroidered heart thong: $18
Embrodered heart garter $22

2. For a sophisticated look, or if you're worried about color, I love this Panache bra set. Everyone looks good in sheer black, and it's sexy cuz it doesn't look like you dressed up for Valentines Day, you just always wear dope underwear.

Panache Eliza balconet bra: $62

available at www.figleaves.com

3. Dude, it's Valentines Day. When else are you going to wear a freakin corset?

Commitment at this Dita von Teese level is so admirable and hot, your guy is gonna freak. This is the Honeymoon Suite corset at my favorite L.A. lingerie haunt, Trashy Lingerie.

Price: $200

Available at Trashy Lingerie at www.trashy.com, but it's worth it to hit the store on La Cienega. The salespeople are so helpful and cool there.

4. Do you love sparkle and glitz? You will look like Beyonce in this bra and panty set by Kiki Montparnasse, which happens to be the glammiest, funniest girl-sex-shop line ever.

Demi padded bra: $247
Open back bikini: $122

Available at kikidm.com

5. Are you a little shy, but want to be fashion-y? This Simon Perele bustier and boyshort combo should do the trick!

A very cool and unusual mix of lace and houndstooth pattern make this a must-have. Also, bustiers both a)cover your midsection up a bit and b) make you ass look super round and juicy.

Price:
Bustier: 73.70
Boyshort: $42

available at bluefly.com

6. And last but not least, the naughtiest of my Valentine's faves, some ridiculously slutty and provocative panties and cuffs by Spoylt.

You are just a terrible, poorly-raised girl, aren't you?

Price: from $100 - $150
available at www.spoylt.com

Hue by Tracy Reese

2008-01-29T16:19:00.000-08:00

One problem with winter is that all your cute tiny going-out dresses seem ridiculously unwearable. I have a closet full of mini dresses that are perfect for the winter season (deep reds and metallics and velvets) but it's too cold, man! Even in Los Angeles.

I am going to New York for the week of Valentines Day, and I hear it's a mausoleum of ice and wind. I'm terrified.How am I going to wear my adorable little Nave dress and walk down Grand Avenue?

Those cruel Brooklyn hipsters will make fun of me for shivering. And what if the wind knocks my skirt up? Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, I won't be wearing Jeffersonian pink knickers. Probably I'll be wearing brown Target super-panties, which are great in their own way but dreadful to look at.

The answer (did any of you actually think I didn't have an answer?) is Hue by Tracy Reese tights.

Tracy Reese is my favorite designer now.

Her clothes are ultra feminine and playful, the kind of clothes that make you want to make sure to get a mani-pedi. These are some of her clothes from last season.

Tracy Reese paired up with the venerable stocking company Hue to make some absolutely awesome tights this year. They are so wearable and so inexpensive (compare to $50 and up Wolford tights), you should go out and buy a bunch and treasure them for when they inevitably discontinue this line.

Just look at them. Drama!! (Cue "Legs" by ZZ Top.)

Good for: Women with gams in cold climates. A perfect stocking stuffer for next Christmas.

Price: $17 (on sale) at nordstrom.com

Mysterary

2008-01-22T09:42:00.000-08:00

I love a good mystery. This is a common thing among comedy writers I know, I think. There's a narcissism of small differences/jealousy thing going on that keeps me from enjoying a lot of comedy books (with some notable exceptions: anything George Saunders and "Confederacy of Dunces" -- these are not original, please don't make fun of me). My co-worker Michael Schur and boss Greg Daniels love Terry Southern a great deal, whom I have not read. Danny likes the writings of his Simpsons's great John Schwartzwelder, and since he basically doesn't like anything, I bet he's good, too.

Reading good mystery books is one of the great joys of my life. But finding them is very difficult. The genre is bloated with poorly written and formulaic crap. I found a similar thing with the chick-lit genre. For every one "Bridget Jones' Diary" there are 100 terrible, terrible books, like "Babysitting for the Barney's Blonde" or "Thirty-Nine, Single, and Manolo" or whatever.

But Mysterary, the genre of mystery books that are written with substance, is probably the best type of book written. When a writer can weave a compelling, suspenseful story and the prose is inventive and smart, I'm like, damn.

Here are a few I highly recommend:

1. Duplicate Keys by Jane Smiley

Jane Smiley, beautiful genius I adore. "A Thousand Acres" is one of my favorite books ever, and I was surprised she had written this great little mystery novel. The characters are amazing and the twists and turns of the story are delicious. Jane Smiley is amazing because she jumps genres so much and masters them so fast. I love this book.

2. What the Dead Know by Laura Lippman

This is amazing book I read over Christmas break. I read it in like three days, then re-read it because the first time I was focused on the brilliant plotline unfolding and the second time I focused on Ms. Lippman's crisp, unusual writing.

Both available at Amazon.com for under $15

All Things Peppermint

2008-01-21T18:29:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I will have guest bloggers. Usually they are good-looking acquaintances. Dave Waghalter meets both criteria, plus he likes candy, so extra cute. Let's hear what he has to say.*

*David sent me this before my month-long holiday sabbatical. This is a timely piece, posted late by vacationing, derelict me. Take it away, David!

----------------------------------------------------------

I like candy canes.

Especially when they're crushed to bits and swirled into other sugared-up treats. Candy Canes Joe-Joes are the latest example of this sublime December trend. Joe-Joe's are Trader Joe's answer to Oreo cookies - but without the death-hastening high-fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils. They are delicious and come in a variety of flavors - chocolate, vanilla, ginger... and now, Candy Cane. What you got is a regular chocolate cookie sandwich, with pulverized peppermint candy mixed into the creamy vanilla middle. It is chocolately delicious and mintily refreshing.

To up the mint ante, take a box into your local Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf establishment and order a Peppermint Ice Blended. You can choose vanilla or mocha base (we purists stick with the vanilla), which tastes great even when you ask for the "light" version. If you go early in the morning where temperatures can approach freezing even in Southern California, you might want to go with the latte version
(careful - the delicious beverage you are about to enjoy is very hot!).

For those of you unfortunate rabble who live near neither Trader Joe's nor Coffee Bean, why not jazz up your favorite mug of hot cocoa with a splash of Peppermint Schnapps? And your local grocery store is sure to carry Ghiradelli's Peppermint Squares and/or Peppermint Bark Bars. No matter where you live, there is plenty of sweet peppermint goodness to go around this time of year.

Candy Cane Joe-Joes $2.99
Peppermint Ice Blended $4.50
Peppermint Schnapps $10.99
Peppermint Squares (bag) $8.99
Peppermint Bark Bar $2.99

So Low Fold-over Ruffle Yoga Pants

2008-01-21T17:39:00.001-08:00

Let's just get one thing straight. Little girls and pre-teens should not wear So Low.

This is seriously their icon. For those of you who haven't been to a mall when junior high gets out, that icon is the universal symbol for "I'm wearing a thong and my pants are so low you can see the t-shaped swatch of underwear on my lower back".

It's just so racy! Like I've said on numerous occasions, girls should wear Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls until they're 16 years old, and not be allowed to date until sophomore year in college (freshman year is for figuring out who you really are).

That being said, women in their 20's should totally embrace this brand. I recently forgot to pack a change of pants at my gym, so after my workout I had nothing to wear. I hate when I do this, because I have oodles of Target gym pants I buy at the end of the season when they get marked down from $29.99 to $9.99. (For the record, no one has ever accused me of looking good when I work out. This has actually been a point of contention with some ex-boyfriends. It's just it's so much more comfortable to work out in baggy tshirts. Nothing is more gratifying on a long run than to wipe my forehead on my Dartmouth Outdoor Clubs Freshman Trips '97 size XXL tshirt.

I simply don't know how Eva Longoria or Ali Larter or whomever work out in their spray on BeBe gymwear or whatever.)

So anyway, I was about to buy some generic black yoga pants when I saw these adorable motherfuckers.

I bought them immediately and they weren't even on sale. When I put them on I couldn't believe exercise pants could be so comfortable and cute. I didn't even KNOW that everyone's favorite Charlie's Angel wearing them too.

The great thing about the So Low foldover pants is that you can wear them as low (Heidi Montag) or as high (me) as you want to. They're pricey, but there's a reason. Unlike foldover gym pants from cheaper brands, So Low's don't stretch and lose their shape, inevitably causing you pants to fall down as you walk.

Good for: Low-maintenance girls who want to look cute when they work out.

Price: $75 at www.solowstyle.com

Domo Kun USB Flash Drive

2008-01-18T00:04:00.000-08:00

I have really shoddy wireless internet in my new house. And instead of getting on the phone and fixing it, I like, get all preachy to myself and am like, "Well, this is God's way of telling me to get offline and go be creative" or something, and then I go to Milk on Beverly and sample gelato all afternoon.

Unfortunately, more often than not, the spotty internet strands me when I'm trying to write at home, and I'm left unable to email a damn thing to myself. I start having that sinking/sickening feeling that all my hard work is going to disappear if something should happen to my computer.

That's why I bought this adorable flash drive. Domo Kun, or Hello Kitty's Pyschotic Boyfriend, as I call him, will hungrily eat up your hard work and saves it in his tummy until you need it later. All of sudden you take something totally nerdsville (backing up your important documents) and make into something fun. I know it looks like a piece of shit gadget I bought at like, Pinkberry, but he totally has 1GB of USB memory and is PC an Mac compatible.

Good for: pre-teens, writers, gay youngsters

Price: $60 at urbn.com

Things I've Bought 2007 Best Of's

2007-12-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

Well, it’s been a great year in buying.

For everyone, but especially for me. With all due respect to Angelina and Brad, who won “Couple of the Year” by US Weekly -

by the way, didn’t even know they were nominated, feel a little bit hurt, you two - I think I may have attained a greater honor, the honor of “Things I Bought That I Love’s” Consumer of the Year Award. I was not scared off by the financially crippling, no-end-in-sight Writers Strike, or the fact that I’ve had no income since November. Hell, I even bought contributor Ken Tremendous’ freaking house a week after we announced the strike. That’s right you guys. I bought The Tremendous Compound: a giant, Red Sox-shaped condo with Curt Schilling's bloody World Series sock entombed in the foundation. I live there now. It cost nearly $75k and is located in deep La Canada and I am very happy.

Close runner up for Consumer of the Year was Britney Spears, who always seemed to head straight from a court-appointed custody hearing to the Beverly Center. That is exactly what I would do.

Atta girl, Britney!

And what were my favorite of the favorites? Read on, readers. It's time for Things I've Bought that I Love 2007 Best Of's!

1. Zenergize Drink Tablets.

In my efforts to ween myself off of disgusting, stomach-lining-eroding diet soda, I've turned to healthful alternatives. For a while it was kombucha, but man, it is expensive, and also it kind of tastes like an alcoholic is peeing in your mouth. But yeah, I am try to keep a minimum to the chemicals and preservatives I ingest.

Remember those old ads as a kid where you'd see an elderly person happily plunking a tablet in water and then dropping their dentures in it? And even though it was kind of grotesque, it also looked really, well, fun? Zenergize tabs allow regular cool, healthy, young people drop tablets in water, but instead of cleaning dentures, they create a fun fizzy drink you can gulp down before you work out, or take a midterm, or have sex or something. I primarily use the "Burn" tablets because I am obsessed with any calorie burning booster. But if you're feeling sick or something, you can use "Immunity" which has a kind of citrusy taste and it really does feel like you're keeping yourself good and impenetrable to baddie cold germs. I love that they aren't too-too sweet or anything, and have only 2 calories for a whole tablet! Moreoever, if you lick a tablet, you get a super satisfying little fizzle on your tongue.

What's next? Zenergize cocktails? Zenergipolitans????

Price: 8.99 for ten tablets
www.vitaminshoppe.com

2. The Savages

My writer friends revile most romantic comedies as dumb formulaic crap. I happen to defend them more than most people, because I just love romance in any form, even if it’s artlessly shoved in and ground up in the creaky old Hollywood machine that produces “Ghost Boyfriend on Little West 12th Street” or whatever.

Actually, what I truly believe is the most insidious burgeoning genre is the Quirky Dramedy About Suburban White Family where teenagers are annoyingly precocious and rude to their parents, elderly people are saucy but wise, and people are saying all kinds of inappropriate shit that makes them feel cathartic after. (Other yucky genres are Food As Metaphor For Sex In Repressed Family movie and These Inanimate Objects Will Have an Emotional Journey and Sing animated movie).

So, when one of the QDASWF’s is actually an Amazing Movie I Love, I’m super surprised and ecstatic. My favorite movie of the year (besides the universally loved “No Country for Old Men”) is this gorgeous, funny drama about how grownup siblings deal with their ailing, estranged elderly father.

"The Savages" was written with total compassion, and with enviably subtle jokes, Tamara Jenkins is just about my new favorite hyphenate. Having been one of the scores of people who marvel at how Phillip Seymour Hoffman “disappears” into roles: (charismatic gay icons or weird losers or dapper con men or whatever, it was fantastic to see him “disappear” into the role of a kind of a , well, frankly, normal person. A nuanced, sweet, complicated normal person you might actually know. Laura Linney is fantastic too. With “You can Count on Me”, she seems to have found the best “little” movies in the past ten years to be in. Hoorah. My one complaint is that I wish the name of the movie wasn’t “The Savages”., The unnecessary play on the last name of the main characters adds nothing, and in fact gives you the wrong idea about this movie (are they savage to their father? Do they eat the flesh of other humans?).

3. Flight of the Conchords

Great jokes, funny songs, cute and hilarious cast….ugh. You know something is actually good when you are kind of jealous of it. Oh!

And Kristen Schaal.

4. J.Crew

J.Crew totally went off its meds this year and I fucking loved it.

Zebra stripes. Book prints on textiles. Embroidered critters on ties, pants, even cashmere. Polka dot satin shoes. Platinum silver down parkas. And oh, the colors! It was like Mr. Magoriums Wonder Emporium meets Barbados in the J.Crew idea factory, and I am so psyched on it.

And the sales! Those famous J.Crew “take our merchandise for free” sales. As I’ve said, I’m not a big fan of preppy fashion, but this year, I was 100% on board. You’d see some J.Crew dress and think “ho-hum, simple empire waist dress, no big deal” and then find out it comes in, like canary yellow or fire engine read. Za-zow! And everything at J.Crew is totally affordable, returnable, and ego-boosting (I wear a size 4? Hot dog!) Way to go, old girl.

Where: J.Crew stores of course, and really great deals online at jcrew.com

5.Jimmy Choo Patent Ramona bag

When I first met my friend Busy, she was telling me some story and this bag was kind of flying around the crook of her pretty arm as she was gesticulating. I quickly tuned out. Busy is a great storyteller and funny and everything but Jesus Christ, this bag. This motherfucking bag.

Let’s see how the Ramona fares on my checklist of Why I Am An Awesome Bag. Oversized? The best kind of oversized, big enough to hold a hairbrush, a book, an ipod and a swimsuit. Check. Patent? The richest, most saturated color in patent that I have seen on a designer bag. Check. Unusual Detailing? This is the bag the others knocked off. The woven leather horizontal straps make this a bag for the ages. Check plus-plus. I don’t even own this bag, I just love it so much when Busy wears it. I’m pretty sure I’m not supposed to be posting about something I haven’t strictly bought but I am hoping by sending this desire out into the inter-nether that someone will take pity on me and give me this bag.

Price: $1895.00 at neimanmarcus.com

6. Prosciutto di Parma sandwich, Joans on Third

Sometimes when I’m at Joans on Third, I turn into that version of my mom that totally embarrassed me when I was six. I stare at the receipt and I’m like “you are charging me twenty two dollars for a sandwich and a soda?” and then I harumph a lot, look around for some empathy/consensus from other patrons, and then sign my receipt all bent out of shape. So yeah, Joan’s is totally expensive. However, I find myself “Joansing” (amazing pun) for their proscuitto di parma sandwich like crazy.

Let’s describe it: First - salty, smoky, dark pink prosciutto is stacked along long strips of crunchy French bread which have already been brushed with extra virgin olive oil. Then they layer sweet and slimy strips of pickled red pepper. This serves as a wonderful nest for the hunks of mozzarella cheese, all spongy and cold and delicious. The whole thing comes with pickled cucumbers, and washed down with one of the fancy Joans fizzy drinks, you will think, if this is highway robbery, let me always travel by highway at night, and let me always get burgled.

Price: $11.75 at Joans on Third, 8350 West Third Street, Los Angeles, CA 90048 (323) 655-2285

7. Betsey Johnson jewelry

Chunky old-lady bling was fantastically present in ’07.

The best, most consistent purveyor was Betsey Johnson. Large beads and charms and rhinestoney goodness debuted month after month. Betsey Johnson rocked my socks this year with some of the best, most unusual costume jewelry ever.

Dolling up boring outfits never got so easy and so fun with her inexpensive line of bling. I shop at their Melrose location, and playing with the jewelry feels like you’re in Dylan’s Candy Bar, you just want to pop the earrings in your mouth cuz you’re certain they taste crunchy and sweet.

Prices: from around $50 to $175, betseyjohnson.com or department stores like Macy’s and Bloomingdales.

Those are my favorites of this year.

There is more greatness, to be sure:

Paul Rudd and Leslie Mann in “Knocked Up”, Canter’s sticky coffee cake with walnuts,

Amazing Cosmetics oil-free, skin-perfecting foundation powder, Loehmann’s mens section,

the bathhouse scene in Eastern Promises, Mozza’s pizza where a cooked egg is a pizza topping, John Krasinski’s performance in my episode “Branch Wars”, and Korean barbecue at Shik Do Rak.

Dwell Studio bedding

2007-12-15T16:05:00.000-08:00

When I feel guilty about spending money, it's mostly on shoes.

"This could be 30 yogilates classes." I say, or "This could be a year long membership to MOCA" or "This could be vaccinations for Third World children." (I live a very glamorous, artsy, altruistic life).

Sadly, I think that's the case for most of us. In Family Feud, they would come up #1 on the list of "Things Women spend their Rent Money On That Isn't Rent". But designer bedding is the silent killer of women's checkbooks. It really is.

I love bedding for several reasons. Making ones bed is such a chore that at least when it is made, it should be pleasing to look at. Also, I have a king sized bed, and it takes up so much room it has to serve as it's own kinda cool-looking art piece or it's a waste.

But finding cool, comfy, unusual bedding is totally difficult. Until Dwell Studio!

Dwell Studio bedding is the simplest, most easy way of procuring instant style. I don't have the kind of Martha Stewart eye where I know how to turn vintage drapes into flat sheets and pair them with some cool pillow from the Fairfax flea market or whatever and voila I have the coolest bed ever. I'm jealous of, and hate those people.

But Dwell Studio's stuff is so nice, it looks like you did go out and dig through one-of-a-kind linens at an antique store. I mean, check out these unbelievable chinoiserie sheets:

Birds, you guys. Fucking adorable BIRDS perched on branches on your motherfucking BED that you can gaze at when you fall asleep. I love waking up looking at my bluejay, and telling it my nightmares.

Dwell Studio is also great because they're modern but not that antiseptic American Psycho ultra-mod, so you don't feel like you live in some bachelor pad. Also, when girly, it's like gorgeous eerie birds, and not huge dense Laura Ashley flower patches or whatever, so guys won't feel weird using these sheets.

Also, and this is the most important: this stuff is amazingly comfortable.

There's also cool stuff for babies, if having a cool baby is important to you.

Go to: www.dwellshop.com

Shoes with Bows

2007-11-30T19:12:00.000-08:00

I love the holiday season because normal people get infected with the painful consumerism disease that I suffer from all year round. At the insane Marc Jacobs shoe sale at Macys at the Beverly Center last weekend, I saw a woman around my age clutching her extra 20% coupon all white-knuckled, like it was the Willy Wonka's golden ticket and she would die if she lost it. I laughed inwardly at her. "Zealous shopping weirdo," thought I. Then I noticed that the reason I hadn't been clutching my coupon so hard was that my nervous hand perspiration had rendered it limp and damp long ago.

Similarly, holiday fashion is when normal women start dressing in blingy metallics and frillery, the way I dress (often innapropriately) all year round. Holiday parties are for bling what Halloween is for slutty apparel - you can go all out and no one will judge. I chalk this up, by the way, to the common non-denomonational twinkliness of the holiday season:

Christmas trees, menorahs, Rudolph's nose, Ganesh's eyes...you get the drift.

So use this time of year, when closed toed shoes are a must, to ditch your square toe pumps and boring old boots, and invest in some shoes with bows.

Shoes with bows make you look like a gift.

Check it:

Marc by Marc Jacobs peep toe patent pumps.

Jeans and boring sweater all you have clean?? Has glamorous picketing made a dent in the amount of cute outfits you have?? No problem. Marc Jacobs coolifies any boring outfit with his conversation-starting shoes. You might even consider stopping combing your hair and showering, Mr. Jacobs has your cute covered!!*

(*I write for Teen Cosmo).

$272 (sale!) at zappos.com

Delman raspberry bow "Work" flats.

Can't take the heels? Don't! Keep your toes pinch-free in these crazy cute flats.
Price: $147 (sale!) at bluefly.com

Another sound flats option:

Look at that princely purpley blue! With jeans and a cable knit sweater, you'll look so bookish but fun.

Another JCrew delight (in a wedge, so far more comfortable than a straight heel):

JCrew, you guys. I love JCrew this year. They have the preppy-gone-crazy look with colors and materials that I absolutely adore.
Price: $89 (sale!) Jcrew.com and $69 for the wedge. Fun fact: Kelly Kapoor and Mindy Kaling both wear JCrew shoes all the time.

And if you're a decadent It Girl who has a New Years Eve date with Bruce Wayne (and you kinda maybe think he might be Batman already), it really behooves you to borrow a grand from your parents and buy these gems.

Christian Louboutin, $925, www.netaporter.com

Anquilla Console Lantern

2007-11-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

I love lanterns. I love scenes in movies like "From Hell" where you see guys lighting street lamps in old-timey London.

I also really like candles, but feel on principle I should hate them. Look, I'm as into romance as the next person - I'm basically Miss Piggy - but if I have to see another scene in a major network dramedy where the male lead has lit - as a romantic surprise for his plucky unwitting female co-star - hundreds of candles in his bedroom, I am going to puke.

Here:

Ew, my skin is crawling!

In addition to being on strike for a number of good reasons, I'm boycotting tv shows who show people lighting MORE THAN THREE CANDLES IN A ROOM AT A TIME. It's just dangerous.

But, yes, these lanterns are amazing. Use them instead of table lamps. I just want someone from "Brothers & Sisters" or something to read this and use THESE in a seduction scene.

For: People who want to be comfy and read books on the sofa with their Slanket (see archives) and be totally cute doing it.

Price: $150 (on sale!) Potterybarn.com

Why I Strike

2007-11-16T10:05:00.000-08:00

What most people don't know about me is that I'm way conservative. When rumors were circulating this summer about a possible strike, I was annoyed. I was like: "I like working, man. I get paid really well to work on a show people actually like. Screw this!"

I figured the WGA negotiating committee was just a bunch of rich, bored, retired writers who had nothing better to do than make us hard-working currently-employed writers sacrifice a lot by making us stop work. Not coincidentally, I hadn't been reading any of the informative Guild literature that explained the mounting situation.

Boy, was I a fucking idiot.

Now it's like, what Africa is to Bono, the WGA negotiations are to me. (Sure, Bono is a better musician than I am a writer, but the trade-off is I bombard people a lot less then Bono talks about Africa and stuff. I mean, I would actually have to think twice whether I would sit next to the guy at a dinner party, cuz I'd be like, oh shit, here comes the dissertation on the UN or whatever. Honestly, what does The Edge do?).

Anyway, I've hesitated writing about the strike, because while I believe passionately that we striking for a good reason, I didn't want to incur the contempt of non-writers or fans of the show.

Why? It's simple. I may be the single worst person on this planet who could speak out for the writers plight, because: 1) I am an adult who is lucky enough to have enough disposable income that I literally have a website talking about how I fritter away money on stupid shit. I'm doing fine. and 2) I'm a comedy writer, not a politician or even a person known to make persuasive arguments. I've solved most of my conflicts by crying or threatening to kill myself. Opponents of the strike could point to this URL as the reason why writers are the worst form of overpaid greedbags, the way al Qaeda shows "The Anna Nicole Show" to recruit people to suicide bomb Western places.

So that's why I needed to post about this. NOT ALL writers are like me!!! The vast, vast majority are not. And I don't want people thinking they are. (Uh, for the record, to my credit, if they were, Hollywood would be a lot more sexy.) Most writers in the Guild, aren't working on like, The Simpsons and The Office or The Daily Show, like the bloggers on this site. To me, anyway, it seems mostly a situation where the writer mom or dad is the primary earner, and there are years and years where they don't work, and they worry about college tuition and stuff for their kids, and then, when they get older, they actually find other forms of employment because they can't make it writing anymore.

And frankly, what the companies are angling for something so staggeringly unfair, it's causing lazy fat-ass conservatives like me to stand up and fight. It's like they are the king in "Braveheart" trying to convince us that prima nocte is cool or something.

I'll let you read this fantastic piece in Newsweek by Douglas McGrath. He summarizes how I feel a lot better than me.

http://www.newsweek.com/id/70297/page/1

Steve Carell put it best when he said: "Imagine if when the writers on the Bob Hope radio show were told by their employers: "Hey guys, we want to use your material, for free, for this crazy new medium, television, and we don't want to pay you for it, cuz the medium is too crazy and dicey and we're not sure it's going to pan out."...TEN YEARS AFTER EVERYONE IN AMERICA OWNED A TELEVISION." (I'm paraphrasing poorly the brilliant words of the lovely Steve Carell, please don't quote him saying that. You can I guess, sort of attribute it to me and maybe kinda Steve but not in any way that makes him look lame.)

I feel so strongly that I will even post this horrible picture of me striking and not wearing any makeup. Gross!

And I promise, barring some kind of conflict wherein Beyonce is told she can no longer exist, I will only argue passionately about how you need to buy a loofah or something.

Strike!

2007-11-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to lie, you guys. These past two weeks have been a bit terrifying for this shopping blogger. Nothing makes you feel queasy about buying a holographic Christmas Snoopy lawn ornament

or a fall 2007 Diane von Furstenberg taffeta party skirt like the fact that you have no day job.

So I spent the first two weeks of strike picketing and thinking: will I turn ascetic as my income disappears? Will I get my hair cut at Fantastic Sams rather than at John Freida? Will I watch "The Closer" on repeats or will I continue spending $14 on tickets at the Arclight?

The answer is no, people. I will go into horrible, debilitating debt. And why? The handfuls of people who read this blog must be entertained. Remember radio comedies during the Depression? I don't, I'm not even sure the radio was invented then, but I'm pretty sure it was. And what would those sockless Depression-era Americans have done without the bathtub song stylings of Radio Joe or whatever? I'm like those guys. This country was founded on debt. We need debt to thrive and stuff (This is my cursory understanding of what debt is from my high school Econ class).

Yeah, so, I shall continue. Fuck yeah, I'll buy Christmas lawn ornaments.

This massive rationalization has been brought you to by Mastercard.

DVF skirt: $325, netaporter.com
holographic Snoopy Santa: $99 www.santasquartersno.com

More Halloween

2007-11-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

This year my girlfriend Anna and I went as two characters from the show Gossip Girl. It was fun to dress up like Upper East Side private school kids.

However, the best costume of the night goes to my friend Josh. I recommended this costume to him last year, but it took him a year to realize just how awesome it was. Every block he walked through, at least five people said how awesome his costume was.

One girl asked him if he had made it. He said that his mother had (lie). They girl's boyfriend then said under his breath "faggot."

Amazon, $80.

Halloween

2007-11-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

For Halloween I was going to go as Condoleeza Rice.

Never have I gotten so much positive feedback. "You're brilliant, Mindy!" people cried, and "How delightfully timely and satirical!" said others. The problem is that the minute I put on my skirt suit and pearls, I just looked like the conservative boring unsexy version of myself. It didn't help my feeling of lameness that the streets were filled with hot Hollywood girls dressed as Trashy Batman or whatever.

So I had a moral (yes, moral) decision. Do I follow my comedy writer instinct of doing something funny, abiding by The A.V. Club's brilliant Amelie Gillette's opinion that "sexy girl costumes" are lame no matter what? Or do I follow my simpering girly instinct of trying to dress as in tiny sex-romp clothes with some flimsy pretense ("What?? Lots of female pirates wear fishnet stockings and stilettos!")?

I compromised and decided to be one of the drug-dealing soccer hooligans from "City of God", named Pepe. Here I am.

The costume is tight and revealing, and from American Apparel ( this is sell-outy of me) but I am wearing a fucking moustache, you guys (this is legit of me. look how fucking lame that looks!).

Jocelyn went as my murderous buddy, Carlos. Steve came as Luigi, a successful Sicilian pizzeria owner. I think we all look really good. Our mustaches were made using my Loreal Voluminous mascara.

Oh! These are two gay dudes we met at the Cafe 101 who seemed really in love:

We went to Birds with the two in-love gay dudes and danced to "Ghostbusters" with an actual Ghostbuster ("Bustin makes me feel goooood!").

Price: mesh shorts $18, mesh tank $17, matching tube socks $8, headband $8

American Apparel Cotton Spandex Jersey Boy Brief

2007-10-29T14:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I will buy things that I love and they go bad. This happened to my favorite underwear, the Target modal thongs. Target doesn't sell them anymore, and this past month I've noticed that when I was taking off a pair, they were so stretched out and unwieldly, it looked like when Jack Black held up a pair of enormous knickers in "Shallow Hal".

Not sexy. No thank you, modal thongs. So, with great respect and lots of great memories, RIP Old Cheap Underwear. And enter New Cheap Underwear from American Apparel!

Listen, I think we all know where I stand on the infantillization. I feel like I want to throw up when I see anyone over the age of 12 wearing a girls school kilt and patent Mary Janes or whatever. I have huge issues with grown women looking like little girls. However, I really fucking dig when grown women look like little boys. The "boyification" of women is pretty great. I recently bought a bunch of these American Apparel boy briefs and they are great.

These underwear play an important role in my Sunday Morning Fantasy #27 (most women I know ages 21-31 have several dozen Sunday Morning Fantasies. I have discovered an extremely vulnerable and weirdly creative side of most women I know, that plan, cast, and set design how our Sunday mornings look in our futures. Like, somehow if a photographer where to surprise me at my house Sunday morning, I am doing something completely cool and photographable.)

Sunday Morning Fantasy #27 looks like this: Park Slope, Brooklyn. I am reading the Times Book Review and eating granola and fruit in these underwear and a tank top at my kitchen table with Pharell, my boyfriend.

We argue whether George Saunders is funnier in fiction or non-fiction (I say fiction, by a factor of 10. Pharrell disagrees, he loves his journalism.). The arguing really begins to escalate until our good friend Ryan McGinley arrives and persuades us to go to BAM with him.

Both Ryan and Pharrell agree that my underwear is adorable.

Price: $13

at American Apparel stores, or buy online for packs of three at americanapparelstore.com

Meals By Genet

2007-10-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

One of the great small joys in life is when someone hands me a warm clean wet washcloth. They do this on planes sometimes, and I like, freak out. (I recently found out that it is considered kind of disgusting and raccoon-like to use the warm washcloth to clean your face, which I have done a number of times, and will continue to do.) Something about people walking around handing out little bundles of hot towels with tongs makes me feel I'm classy.

They do this at restaurants too. At Meals By Genet, which I'm posting about today.

I was hesitant to post about my love for Meals By Genet. I don't know what it is, but non-Ethiopians who love Ethiopian food always seem super insufferable. It's like the place the pretentious pseudo-villain in the Whit Stillman movie invites the girl out for a dinner. I'd much rather have you guys think I'm into straightforward turkey sandwiches and chips. But it ain't true, y'all.

I think Ethiopian may be my favorite food ever. It is so fucking delicious, you guys. In the tradition of delicious Third World ethnic cuisines like Indian, it's wonderfully goopy and spicy, and there is a lot of it.

The famous and best dish at Meals By Genet menu is their Dorowot, a super rich saucy dish that's full of chicken cooked on the bone and hardboiled egg. The amazing Jonathan Gold (who recently won the Pulitzer Prize for his food writing)

has rightly compared it to a Oaxacan mole in terms of it's denseness and complexities of flavors.

It's ladled over injera bread, a sourdough crepelike bread. The injera spreads over an enormous shallow plate and the "sides" line the perimeter of the plate. Meals By gives you about fifteen different sides when you order the vegetarian platter, and it the quality of these sides that sets it apart from the other interesting Ethiopian places on Fairfax.

The portions of the sides are small - about the size of an ice cream scoop - but they're also dense and delicious and when you look at the enormous communal plate you feel you the luckiest motherfucker of all time. Sauteed collard greens, a spicy lentil dish, a peppery ground nut chutney...the sides are insane.

Ethiopian food is eaten family style and with your hands. So, I wouldn't bring your new girlfriend's WASPy mom and dad here unless you want a "Meet the Parents" type disaster set piece on your hands.

This is Genet, the lovely and talented chef who owns and runs the place.

As for drinks, well, there's not really a huge selection. I ordered a Tej, an Ethiopian Honey Wine. They do not fuck around with the this Tej stuff. Basically it's like a glass of honey with the tiniest bit of alcohol in it.

Like, sweeter than dessert wine. It was kind of like I was giving myself diabetes, but I'll admit I liked it too.

Also, if you are dining with a person who isn't feeling that adventurous, they have a cool Italian menu as well, because of Italian influences in Ethiopia. How interesting and dinner conversationy is that?

Good for: Do you like Indian food? Are you sick of going to The Bombay Cafe every other night? This is a good place for you. It's a rad date place too, because you can totally touch your date's hand while you eat, and the informality of eating with your fingers make people feel close and happy and stuff. Extra points if you can get your date to eat out of your hands.

Price: Two people can eat extremely well, with drinks for about $40.

Meals By Genet
1053 S Fairfax Ave, Los Angeles 90019
Btwn W Olympic Blvd & Whitworth Dr

Summer 2007 Cute Awards

2007-09-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Lots of cuteness happening this summer. If you missed my live telecast of the Summer 2007 Cute Awards last week on Bloomberg Television, you can see my summary below.

I'll admit it. If you had asked me a few months ago what I thought the Summer 2007 anthem was going to be, I'd have looked at you like you were an idiot and said: "Umbrella, of course. It's the "Crazy In Love" of Summer 2007."

It has it all. A smokin' hot new look for young Rihanna,

a cameo by paternal mogul megastar Jay-z, and a droning, kick-ass, almost-unpleasantly catchy chorus.

Then I walked by writer Jen Celotta's office and heard a beautiful new song. "Jennifer," I said, "What is this wistful little ditty?"

It was "West Coast" by Coconut Records. By week's end, you couldn't walk by a single writer's office without hearing it playing. A sad, pretty song about bi-coastal relationships with Jason Schwartzman as lead (and I believe playing all back up instruments). As someone who has suffered through the misery of living 3 hours behind or ahead a boyfriend, I especially enjoy this catchy, sad, gorgeous little song.
Best lyric: "You said, we both go together if one falls down. I talk out loud like you're still around." So Jason makes my list, without even taking into consideration that he is also Max Fuckin' Fischer. So, yeah. Good work.
1. Jason Schwartzman.

About a year ago, Carolinehope, Jen and I were drinking coffee and discussing "Sherrybaby" at Buzz Coffee. We were super depressed. That is a depressing-ass movie. (Alas, it had been my choice. I don't know why I didn't make us see "The Holiday" or something...I think I was trying to flex artsy). Anyway, we were really down in the dumps when Jonah Hill ambled over. In a few short minutes he had cheered us up with his winning smile, his A+ personality and his pretty eyes. He's so funny and great. Also, he was kinda the best thing in three of the biggest summer comedies this year (Evan Almighty, Superbad and Knocked Up). What a fucking cute motherfucker. With German-engineering type comic timing.

2. Jonah Hill

I almost want to say mean things about Justin Timberlake, his reign as Prime Minister of Cool has been too unsullied. I get that a guy can sing in perfect falsetto, hip-hop dance and play the piano at the same time. But he does it in a fucking three piece suit. I'm worried a little about Justin though. What if he gets assassinated? He's got to be the plummest target to al-Qaeda type terrorists. Certain people, like Jerry Seinfeld, Paul Simon, Oprah, JT...these are national treasures. Anyway, I hope he lives to be on the Summer Cute Awards 2008.

3. Justin Timberlake

Imagine being a baby water buffalo. Most of your day is your nose pressed against the furry leathery bottom of your mother, or aunt buffalo. Then suddenly one day you are wading around and a pack of lions FUCKING CHOMP ON YOUR HEAD. Not used to pain, you squirm around. Then their fucking friends START CHOMPING ON YOU TOO. When you finally get away, scared out of your mind, a CROCODILE GRABS YOU BY THE ASS and starts GOING TO TOWN on your legs and butt. Then your family pulls it together and is able to save your life.

When Greg made us watch this Youtube video at lunch, I was like, "Wow, there is a God." Or at the very least "God did good when making buffalo's hides so goddamned tough." Way to go God, or Mother Nature, or whatever. Way to go.

4. Baby Water Buffalo, Battle at Kruger National park

These are my Summer 2007 Cute Award winners. Congratulations to all.

The Arcade Fire at the Hollywood Bowl

2007-09-24T10:03:00.001-07:00

Once in a while I do something I know people are going to think is really cool. Like when I started running outside instead of on a treadmill. Or when I translate Latin for people off of monuments or coins or something. Going to The Arcade Fire at the Hollywood Bowl was one of these things.

Let me disclaim for a second. I'm not changing, you guys. I'm still same old mainstream Mindy with really bad, top 40 taste in music. Wait, not EVEN top 40. I'm like top 15. So don't be worried I'm going to sell out and start wearing like, white skinny jeans and high tops or whatever.

But let's also give props where props are deserved. How fucking cool am I for going to this concert? First of all, every single acquaintance, friend, co-worker, foe, or guy I've ever dated or had a crush on was at this concert. Gene, who was also there, aptly said "I have never seen so many white people in one place at one time". It would add that the audience could also have passed as the International Urban Outfitters Salespeople Convention.

The Arcade Fire is fucking amazing. I first heard them about a year ago. I liked their music, but the songs seemed too fairy-like and faraway, and I couldn't understand what the lyrics meant. (I'm not into lyrical lyrics. I dig more straightforward lyrics. Take for example, Beyonce's lyrics to "Irreplaceable"). Also, people were like SO into them, I was like, give me a break, it's just a band, not a fucking religion, you dork.

But then when Silver Lake-Spaceland-Black Coffee-Vintage Tshirt Ben and I were in Joshua Tree, we only had "Funeral" to listen to and it was fucking transporting. Listening to "In the Backseat" as the sun is setting over the desert was, like moving. (That might be the douchebaggiest thing I have ever written in my life).

So, we all thought it would be fun double date to go to the concert at the Bowl. Enter Danny. Danny got four seats to the dopest garden box seats a the Bowl. That is the kind of inexplicable awesome thing Danny has weird underground hook-ups for. Danny's girlfriend Amelia, Danny, Jocelyn and I feasted on Joan's on Third picnic food (prosciutto sandwiches, chinese chicken salad, cupcakes were a highlight). Amelia brilliantly mulled wine beforehand, so we could guzzle warm sweet boozy wonderfulness as we listened to LCD Soundsystem. (I took Jocelyn because Ben is in New York visiting his Goomah (sometimes pronounced "goomar").

LCD Soundsystem was kind of the best opening band ever. Like, too good, in a way. I think I have a crush on James Murphy, the sexy voiced lead singer.

He dressed in what looked like a Polo button down and dockers, and looked the Republicanniest of any person at the show, but his voice is like liquid male sex or something. I love him. I extra love him because he's not trying hard.

One caveat: the Bowl gets c-c-c-cold. Also, there were some really drunk and stoned twenty-somethings who invited ten of their friends into the box next to us and they kicked Jocelyn in the face and then didn't really apologize or anything. But if you bring a sweater and don't mind cowardly ratting out rambunctious kids to the Bowl staff, you'll have a great experience. I did! Next up on outdoor venue adventure to-do list: The Greek? Ahhh! Too nervous! Maybe next year.

Price: $100 (each ticket), and for a picnic for 4, about $100 at joansonthird.com

Good for: people who like music and whimsical outdoor date experiences in equal measure.

Emmys, you guys

2007-09-18T17:55:00.000-07:00

So, I totally went to the Emmys. This is what I looked like:

It was a silver Badgley Mischka gown with a kind of pewter-colored filigree around the neck. I fucking love it. The Emmys are fun for celeb-watching but in all honesty, compared to SAG or the Golden Globes, the star wattage is kinda non-existent. I mean, this is a world where Kelsey Grammar is the reigning king, you know? At least at the WGA awards, you can be like, "oh my god, there's Terrence Winter! or Wes Anderson!" or some cool writer you've always wanted to see in person.

I know it's kind of lame to be posting glammy photos of me. So to offset how sizzling I look in my Emmy gown, I will also post a picture of me taken several days earlier looking like a total dork.

I was getting a free manicure at an HBO event, and the photographer wanted me to show off the "goods". See? Glamour off-set. (For the record, I look especially dorky because I was nervous - a few feet off camera is writer Matt Weiner, who wrote some of my favorite episodes of "The Sopranos" and is the creator of the fucking awesome new drama "Mad Men", whom I had just met and wasn't sure if he thought if I was lame or cool or what.)

But basically, the Emmys were a boring starvation fest. Boring because, from where we sat, we saw nothing, except the back of Tony Bennett's crooning head. It was okay though, because Ben Silverman and his hot girlfriend were sitting near me looking glamorous and thin and he was like the handsome mayor of the auditorium, shaking hands and wheeling and dealing and stuff.

Highlights of Emmys weekend included running into Kristen Bell several times, who is delightful and funny and should be cast as Cool Tinkerbell in some new movie.

I don't remember how the food at the Governor's Ball tasted, because I ate it so fast. Honestly, the Emmys this year was like "Rescue Dawn". One great thing at the dinner is that Dove chocolates gives you each a commemorative "book" filled with little milk chocolates. Ben and I ate about half of them and now I have one for breakfast each morning.

Skeet Shooting

2007-09-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

I went to Montana and shot a gun with a local former Army guy and another guy who had done it before, and I would say I more than held my own.

I don't intend to make a habit of sharing my accomplishments in a public forum. In "Broadcast News," William Hurt asks Albert Brooks, "What do you do when life exceeds your wildest dreams?" The answer: "Keep it to yourself." Under normal circumstances, that would be right. But sometimes you owe it to the world to share a moment that inspires others to push themselves.

One of the guests at this vacation ranch I went to with Mindy was this guy Jeff, who was from Indiana and who kept telling me we had to go shooting together. Initially reluctant, I showed up at our designated meeting place at 8 am and it was misty and I was wearing a slightly MisShapes-y black cardigan Mindy got me and he was like, 'Shooting, Ben?' and my head sort of nodded by itself.

But really? The shooting instructor, Heath, loaded the gun for us, so it was exactly like playing Nintendo with the gun. Pretty soon, I was making clay pigeons not just split in two but fucking explode.

"He powdered that thing," said Jeff to Heath, after one fucking exploded.

Then I stripped off the cardigan because it got hot, revealing an Army t-shirt, and Heath was like, good man, because he thought I had been in the army, and I had to say I hadn't been. Then I asked him if he was in Vietnam because I honestly thought maybe that was the appropriate conversation shifter and he said yes and there was an awkward silence.

All in all, highly recommended. They called me "Duck Hunt" because of the Nintendo thing, which I mentioned.

The J.Crew button-up

2007-09-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

This winter and spring I wore all sorts of amazing frocks. I was so into "the New Volume". Airy patterned dresses with a cool shapeless shape that girls loved and guys were like "Why the fuck are you wearing that pillowcase?".

Particular faves were this Diane Von Furstenburg Arora dress, which I wore on Valentine's Day and looks basically like (a very expensive) hospital nightgown.

Let me just say, in defense of fashion frocks, it really makes you feel like you're an older sexier version of Wendy Darling, when Peter Pan came through her window and stole her away in her night gown.

Although, to be fair, even Wendy's night gown is a lot less shapeless than my DVF frock. Oh well.

Anyway, my figure was so lost in billowing material that my boss Greg actually asked me: "What's the deal with these frocks? What happened to East Village Mindy?", which is, for the record, totally innapropriate. But since my per day innapropriate comment number far exceeds nearly the entire staff, I said nothing. I have never lived in the East Village, and neither has Greg, but I suppose what he meant was that at one time I used to dress in versions of this:

Kind of cool, right? But much more so for a 24 year old staff writer. I don't wear that kind of thing anymore. I don't know. I feel a little too old for it.

Lately though, I've ditched frocks and made a triumphant return to tight-dark-jeans-and-top look. I love it. I think others are appreciating knowing where the circumference of my figure roughly lies. And the key, you ask? The J.Crew button-up shirt.

Check it:

Couple reasons why these rule:

1. J.Crew sizing is amazing, making you feel skinny as hell. I can wear an x-small, yo. Fucking awesome.
2. They are fitted and sexy shirts. Looks great with that $58 push-up bra you got from Victoria's Secret and never wear because it's not that comfortable.
3. Machine washable. And I never even iron mine. If you lay it straight, it will unwrinkle itself magically.
4. Guys love this look. I don't know EXACTLY the reason, but I think it has something to do with the fact that you don't look like you're trying that hard but you're also wearing something super fitted and tomboy-ish. Maybe guys picture what you would look like wearing THEIR button-downs, but with no pants or underwear? Hmm.
5. Affordable. Guys, these shirts are like $40-$88, and like everything else from J.Crew, goes on crazy sales about six weeks after they drop. Fancy labels churn these button-downs out, but they a) cost way, way more and b) are usually dry clean only. While J.Crew is introducing rad bright yellows and pinks and richly saturated hues, just get these and save that cash for some fly, tight, awesome dark rinse jeans.

Christian Louboutin

2007-08-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

Carrie Bradshaw has Manolo Blahniks. Nicole Richie has Jimmy Choos.

Ho-hum. Yawn.

"I want to make shoes that are like jewels," Christian Louboutin explains. "Shoes are more than just an accessory; they are an extension of a woman."

I love this guy. If I am going to spend more than $500 on a pair of shoes, you better believe it's gonna be a fucking extension of my womanhood. And you guys, they are. They frickin are. With their signature fuck-me red insoles and whimsical styles, you can tell a Louboutin from the rest of the designer bunch.

These shoes are so awesome, they can't even be name-checked in Jay-Z or Beyonce tracks. It would somehow cheapen them. It doesn't even matter that you can't rhyme "Louboutin" with anything. It's like Le Bernardin. Not trendy; awesome. Meant to last. Built for eternity.

Do I sound like the voice-over of a Debeers ad? Or weird and Gollum-y? I'm worried I do. But I kind of don't care because I'm infected with this Veruca Salt "I want it, Daddy!! I want it!!!" covetousness for Christian Louboutin shoes.

How do I explain these shoes versus others?

If I were a cool New York midtown professional girl, I'd wear Miu Miu. No doubt. Comfortable and edgy.

If I wear a LA party girl, I would wear Choos. I'd even get wasted and leave them in the sink at Winston's or whatever. (But it wouldn't matter, my twin wears the same size and we always share shoes.)

If I were one of those mail order brides rich Saudi princes and billionaires bought from America, I would wear Christian Lacroix, of course.

If I was a serious-but-sexy Yale grad student in dramaturgy, I'd wear Robert Clergerie.

If I was Ron Meyer's classy wife, I'd do Weitzman or Prada.

But if I was a twenty-something crazily consumeristic comedy writer-performer who wants glitzy bad-ass shoes to wear to red carpet events, and then keep them on later to prance around in at 3AM when I'm only in a bra and underwear singing Gwen Stefani's "Luxurious" as a striptease for my boyfriend...I would wear Christan Louboutin.

Price: ridiculous, but worth it (over $500 usually)

Good for: Women, not girls. (Girls should wear kick-ass sparkly Nine West shoes. These are shoes for sexually active women. Sorry).

There are a few boutiques in LA and two in New York, but the place to get them is their adorable West Village location, fo sho:

59 Horatio St., New York, NY 10014
at Greenwich St.
212-255-1910

Taser C2

2007-08-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

I love my fans - God bless 'em, I wouldn't be where I am without 'em. But an unfortunate aspect of being in the public eye is that occasionally, you get confronted by the screwball who's just a little too aggressive. Fortunately, there's a vast array of non-lethal weaponry which gives me that extra feeling of security when I'm walking down the street. Of course you never want to use this stuff - but it's nice to know you have it.

My own personal security force option is the Taser C2. It's your standard compressed nitrogen-powered electronic control device, with a range of about 15 feet, which is frankly more than you'd need. It doesn't look like a gun or anything - you can even pick your colors. But it's a threat stopper - usually you don't need to do more than take the thing out.

Taser C2, available at http://store.nexternal.com/shared/StoreFront/default.asp?CS=tasermerch&BusType=BtoC&Count1=752727687&Count2=669868111 in black pearl, electric blue, metallic pink, or titanium (my choice). $299.

Giant OCR 2

2007-08-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

I've long struggled with two aspects of LA life: traffic and pollution. First I got my motorcycle license -- good for traffic, slightly better for pollution. I nixed that because I realized that I would never be able to break the news to my mom. Then I bought a new, sporty car that would enable me to weave through lanes -- good for traffic, bad for pollution.
I love my car, but I never drive it, because of this, my third and most perfect way of coping with traffic and pollution:

My Giant OCR 2 road bike. I ride this little human-powered movement factory to work almost every day. Last Saturday my girlfriend and I rode to the Griffith Observatory. To say that the most glorious celestial bodies on display were our own would be inaccurate, but only due to Io.

Pros:

Gets you places
Fun
Saves money on gas
Helps maximize the potential of your thighs
If you buy one, we can go for rides together
Gives moral superiority over everyone

Cons:

With moral superiority comes responsibility
Breathe a lot of car exhaust
I will be killed by an SUV by year's end

Price: $900

Kookaburra Licorice

2007-08-05T20:02:00.001-07:00

I see kids eating Twizzlers at the movies and I'm like "Why, kids, why? Why are you eating those ribbed wax sticks?"

Licorice is an acquired taste, I think.

That's my polite way of saying I think it's super gross.

Under most circumstances, any friend of yours who is telling you they'd rather eat licorice than Sour Patch Kids or jelly beans is a fucking liar. (Unless, of course, they're some Depression-era elderly person. It's okay to like licorice back in old timey times when licorice could be bought at a penny candy store. That licorice was hard-earned and has cachet). This is the only possible exception.

So when our PA Kevin bought Kookaburra strawberry licorice for our writers pantry, I was like "You have to be kidding me, Kevin. Where are the non-pareils (a favorite) or chocolate covered raisins (another favorite)?" Kevin was all "uhhh maybe other people will like it I don't just do all the shopping for you." I was so mad.

Then I got bored later and ate one.

Oh my god, you guys. They are so amazing, we can't like, have them anymore at work, because there is no such thing as moderation anymore. All of a sudden you're like "oh god we have Kookaburra, I have to eat the entire container before Lee or Gene get to them aaaaahhhhh!!!!"

Way better than Sour Patch Kids, by the way. The only way to describe them is to think of the awesomest strawberry fruit roll up you've ever eaten melted and congealed into a little flavor log. Okay that sounds disgusting. Just try these things. Apparently they are Australian or something and have a cute little folksy backstory, but honestly, I didn't even finish reading it because the product is so good.

Good for: any human, pregnant women with cravings, I bet.

Price: $4.99 for a tub
available at Trader Joes or at www.kookaburralicorice.com

TV Blankets

2007-07-30T11:04:00.001-07:00

Falling asleep watching television is like my favorite simple pleasure.

(Other high-ranking Simple Pleasures are 1) finding dollar bills in unwashed jeans pockets, 2) when the teller at my Bank of America puts out her basket of miniature Hersheys bars, 3) successfully squeezing a blackhead out of my nose, and 4) eating freely from my boyfriend's plate at dinner.)

The guys I work with are so into "The Wire". They like "The Wire" so much, I would say they like it more than they like really beautiful women, like Jessica Biel.

They talk about it forever and when it got snubbed this year at the Emmys, Michael Schur (who was nominated for his excellent episode "The Negotiation") was more upset about that than he was excited about his own nomination. I know this because Mike's office is next to mine and the walls are paper thin and I eavesdrop like cah-raaaazy.

So I watch "The Wire", and I enjoy it, but I swear to God, it's like a soporific. The writing and acting are fantastic. But something about the mumbling and languid shots of Baltimore streets make me drop like after twenty minutes. But the sleep I sleep when I fall asleep watching "The Wire" is some of the best fucking sleep ever. (Other good sleep, I remember, was when I was in junior high, and would fall asleep during Saturday Night Live and wake up during American Gladiators.)

But you need a good TV blanket. Here are a few.

1. Rib-knit cashmere throw.

Garnet Hill is completely expensive and kind of too hippie-ish, and I don't usually need my sheets to be like, made of cruelty free hemp or whatever.

But the colors are rad, and they do have adorable patterened sheets for kids, and this throw is cashmere (whaaaaat!) and on sale. I just bought one.

Price: $168 (marked down from $268!)
garnethill.com

2. 525 America cable knit throw.

If you are squeamish about having a cashmere (ie. dry-clean only) TV blanket, get this cozy and totally machine-washable throw.

Maybe get two, cuz you will want to cocoon in this and not share it with anyone else who might be sharing your couch with you.

Price: $99 (on sale)
bluefly.com

Listen, you can watch television comfortably without a blanket. God knows I can; I can fall asleep on a roller-coaster, my heartrate is like 3 beats a minute. But why use your sweatshirt as a TV blanket when you can have the real deal? You will be so excited to have these. You will want to know my address to write me a thank you letter. And I will want yours to write you a congratulations letter.

Also, get "The Wire".

Are you seriously not watching this show yet? Haven't your most insufferable male friends told you this is the best thing since "The Shield"? (but girls, unlike the very good but bafflingly hot-guy-free "The Shield", this show features dreamboat and Mona Lisa Smile alum Dominic "Black Irish, Super Babe" West).

Price: $47.99 for the complete first season
Amazon.com

Banana Republic Long Cashmere Hoodie

2007-07-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

Usually I buy my cashmere just after Christmas. At that time, the prices are astonishingly, suspiciously good. J.Crew is practically paying you to take their cashmere off their hands. That's sometimes why I love monster chains like the Gap or J.Crew or whatever. There's this end of the year corporate panicky decree to simply get rid of all their stuff, which only weeks earlier were full-priced. How often have you seen, like a pretty pea coat at the Gap on a sale rack for like $12.99? God, I'm like salivating just thinking about it.

So ordinarily, I would rather die than pay full price for cashmere. So you can imagine how special this extra-long BR hoodie must be if I am willing to drop $198 to own it right away.

First of all, the color. Deep saturated bluey purple. BR calls this color "Dream Date Royale". What a bunch of queerballs. But it IS super-gorgeous on almost every skin tone, and looks fantastic over jeans or little black pants.

But the really special thing about this hoodie is that it's sexy tunic length.

Oh, I love you, Tunic Length. Tunic Length is so rad. How decadent to have extra inches of luxurious cashmere snugly covering your ass? Strangers will think you're an heiress. Your boyfriend will think you are a classy girl of the Jackie Onassis variety. Your friends will begin to hate you.

But you don't need friends with a sweater like this. Just hide in your hood and play peek-a-boo with your boyfriend. Then throw up.

Price: $198 at bananarepublic.com

Mindy Kaling Staples, Pt. 3

2007-07-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

More staples.

1. Alisha Levine 3/4 sleeve backless top.

You know those weekend nights when all you want to do is sit cross-legged on the floor and watch Jesus Camp or whatever? And then your boyfriend is like, "hey, we never go out, all we do is sit on the floor eating dinner and watching documentaries. Let's go to a party thrown by an acquaintance of mine." And in your head you want to be like "Can't you read this grimace on my face and this inert body language? Go by yourself. If you're so into a jet-set life of partying and drinking or whatever, let's just break up."

But then since he's so cute, and your butt is starting to hurt for sitting on the floor so long, you decide to go. But you don't want to wear your cutest outfit, the one you saved for when you think you might see an ex-boyfriend or whatever, you just want to look passably cute so your boyfriend is like, reasonably psyched to be standing around with you.

This top is great for that. I have slung it on sulkily more times than I can count. It seems totally boring in the front, right? All roomy and skin-concealing? And then bam! Backless! (Longsleeve and backless? I love you, Alisha Levine!) Guys at the party are like: "shit dude, that girl's showing some skin. Let's talk to her." And then your boyfriend's all "oh no why'd I even suggest coming to this." and you can just smile at him with a look that says "This is what you get for trying to transform this homebody, Muchacho." But then you both feel surges of love and emotion for each other, and you go home more in love than ever before.

Buy this shirt! It's sexy but pretty much the easiest way to look cute while under duress.

Paired with cute sparkly little Eiffel Tower earrings like these:

...and no one will ever know what your true self would rather be eating Lean Pockets in front of Ken Burnses "Jazz".

Price: top $192.00
earrings by Lena Wald: $242
both at Shopbop.com

American Apparel Fine Jersey Short Sleeve Leisure Shirt

2007-07-16T08:36:00.000-07:00

Getting up and figuring out what to wear every morning before work can be a pain. That's why I took some advice from my friend Rufus and decided to buy a variety of colors of the above style shirt from American Apparel. Every morning, I wake up, go to my closet, pick a color, and I'm done. I throw on a pair of jeans and my Chucks for shoes, and I'm out the door.

Barry Schwartz would be proud.

Silver Lake

2007-07-15T18:12:00.000-07:00

So, it turns out, I'm adventurous. Listen. I'm not gonna front with you guys: most of the time I'm a hap-py (Hindu-American princessy) girl who lives on egg-based brunch meals from gay luncheon spots on 3rd street.

But lately I have found myself in Silver Lake. This is extremely weird for me. Silver Lake has been called "Williamsburg west", and from my (admittedly cursory) knowledge of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, it seems accurate.

(See, now I feel myself growing scared. Will a mean/brilliant dude from Vice Magazine mock this? Is Echo Park actually "Williamsburg west"? Or Glendale? Oh god. Sometimes I'm more scared of mean verbose hipsters than I am of like, Muslim fundamentalists.)

As a roly-poly person, I've never been drawn to the gaunt, drawn (eh, same word twice) faces of Williamsburg/Silverlake guys. I like ruddy Irish and Jewish faces. Is this racist? Yes. But whatever, some dudes only like petite Asian girls, so cut me some slack.

Also, musicians and visual artists frighten me, their talents are so far away from anything I can understand or do. Silver Lake seems teeming with these artsy hipsters and like, pupuserias, and I kinda need to be near the Targets and Loehmanns of the world. But since I'm open-minded and plucky, and because Ben lives there, I'm in Silver Lake all the time. Go me. "You go, me." - me

I recently needed a pair of pajamas. For all my huffing and puffing about the importance of pajamas, I was tragically lacking a good pair. (I chalk this up to a sort of "the cobbler's children always go shoeless" type of situation. Very sad.) So when we drove by the pink facade of Bittersweet Butterfly and I practically jumped out of the car while it was still moving.

I found pajamas galore, and even better, the fucking cutest little underwear a girl could want. Plus flowers. And their website is even better. This is one of the handful of places where I truly believe any guy, no matter how clueless, cannot go wrong finding his girlfriend or wife a present. The buyers have exquisite taste. Did your girlfriend recently do something incredibly sweet, like host your parents and listen to your pedantic dad talk about politics for hours? They have amazingly sexy and fun gift baskets on their site. Also, they have cute guys underwear. And flowers, and chocolates. What more can I say about this place? Oh! It's not very expensive either.

1406 Micheltorena St
Silver Lake, CA
90026
Phone: (323) 660-4303

I like diner food and I love the Brite Spot. Unlike a lot of depressing LA diners, it has a huge inventive salad section, and lots of hearty and health-conscious options, like the Lean and Mean Deal. Also the prices are 1/2 the cost of West Hollywood brunch places, the people sexier and scarier, and the portions just as enormous as Doughboys. Best of the menu is the Whatevers, a giant hot plate of eggs scrambled with mixed veggies, potatoes, turkey sausage and covered in cheese. After a night of drinking or sex or crying or whatever, this is the place I want God to sit me down at.

1918 Sunset Blvd, Echo Park
(oh, give me a break. It's Silver Lake adjacent, you guys).

Let's say all I want to do is wear hot drapey clothes designed by awesome LA designers. I want Grey Ant jeans and unusual chunky jewelry. Like, let's say, a weird, large owl pendant dangling in my decolletage that makes cute guys at parties go "Who the fuck is that girl (in a good way) and how do I start an argument with her (in a good way)? I bet her opinions will make me fired up (in a good way), and I'll want to spend the night with her (in a good way)."

Sirens and Sailors. Favorite boutique in L.A. Not huge, kind of a hike from Hollywood, but totally unique and always fun to browse. If you are judging a boutique by the people that shop there, this places gets a 10, or A+, or a two thumbs up, or whatever "best" is in the ranking system we're using.

1104 Mohawk St., Los Angeles, CA 90026

That's it for now. The actual Silver Lake seems quite beautiful and pretty to run around, but I haven't done that yet. It's our drinking water, apparently. You learned a lot reading my blog today.

Pajamas

2007-07-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have to wear clothes when I sleep. Even if it's hot out. I wasn't raised by some French grad students or whatever. To sleep naked is unseemly. Also, how can one sleep naked when there looms the ever-present possibility of: what if there's a fire in the middle of the night and you have to run out into the street?

I love pajamas. But I'm incredibly fussy about them. For one thing, the worst thing that ever happened to pajamas is when flannel decided to make itself inextricably linked to them. Flannel pajamas are the worst ever! When is it ever so freaking cold that you need flannel pajamas? Even on the coldest of east coast nights, after about thirty seconds of wearing them, you're like, ugh, why am I so hot? Why am I all sweaty and gross when all I signed up for was a nice night of sleep?

I guess Russian soldiers stationed in the deepest frozen corners of their country have to wear them. But that's about it.

Oh, and don't even get me into flannel sheets. WTF??

Solid, crisp cotton pajamas are the worlds best gift. I want to put them on the instant I get home from work.

Burberry Men's PJ's are great. For women too. Get them in a small and you'll be set. The cotton is soft but ever-so-slightly firm, so they don't get all twisty around your torso or give you a wedgie when you sleep.

If you don't like the "I'm wearing my boyfriends clothing" look (which, by the way, why don't you?), Betsey Johnson has some cute cotton blend pjs I love a lot. These are animal print, which I adore and highly recommend (because animal print is so hard to pull of as daywear without seeming like a hooker or a weird off-kilter granny, it kind of behooves you to wear them in your sleep, where you have freedom of expression.)

They're polyester but feel like satin. Who wears satin pajamas, by the way? If I have to DRY CLEAN MY SLEEPWEAR I think it's time to kill myself.

And last, but not least, these gorgeous little fun Natori Chinese-inspired pjs.

Ahhh, how cute. How could a person wearing these pjs ever sleep alone? Not possible.

Good for: Everyone must wear pajamas.

Price: Burberry: $300 burberry.com

Betsey Johnson: $88 betseyjohnson.com
Natori: $140 sakfifthavenue.com

Things I Can't buy that I wish I could

2007-07-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

The ability to whistle.

To be best friends with Katie Heigl.

A beagle puppy (my apartment doesn't allow pets).

For my other best friends to be the characters Dave Chappelle and Tom Hanks played in "You've Got Mail".

For my apartment to exist inside Spice Market, and to eat off Jean Georges Vongerichten's menu every meal, every day.

Conair Deluxe Handheld Steamer

2007-06-27T12:31:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I'll make a purchase and it'll be so totally awesome I actually think this website is doing something really good for people. When I post about brownies and stationery and shit I know I'm generally not helping anyone except a small handful of girls in New York or Los Angeles who are trying to fill an abyss of terrifying emptiness.

Too self-aware? Kind of being a drag? Okay, yes. You're right. Onto the goods:

The Conair Deluxe Handheld Steamer, you guys.

I'm usually pretty good about not getting ketchup and deodorant and stuff on fancy clothing. I'm slobby but if I spent a lot of money on a nice article of clothing, I try to keep it unsoiled so I don't have to dry clean it after only one or two uses. But what I do constantly is get my clothes wrinkly. It's the worst. For the longest time I swore off satin and silks of the more delicate variety because the wrinkles were just too annoying. Furthermore, I'd always just send them off to be dry cleaned - totally expensive by the way - because I knew they would steam the wrinkles out.

Well, no more.

The Conair Handheld Steamer is the answer to these wrinkle problems. So easy to use! You'll never have that fear like, oh god, I'm gonna ruin this nice blouse by dumping water all over it or whatever. It's awesome. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow and wasn't going to bring my favorite yellow silk BeBe dress (yeah, I shop at bebe sometimes. Me and a bunch of 14 year old girls, and young Persian moms!)...

...but thanks to my little steamer, I can totally throw the dress in my carry-on, let it get all wrinkly and gross, then steam the shit out of it in New York, put on jeans, lip gloss, my tunic, some heels, and be at Da Silvano...

...in like 20 minutes. Drunk in 35! Yaaaayy!!!

Price: $34.95
www.target.com

dress: $139, bebe.com

Good Thank You Gifts

2007-06-25T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've received some pretty great thank you gifts in my day. I'm like this hugely altruistic person and so people are always getting me things to show their appreciation.

Here are some of the best ones I've gotten, plus some pretty cool ones I've given.

1. Sadly, most fancy alcohol gifts are wasted on me. I went to Dartmouth, so I kind of only know how to drink until I am totally drunk and screaming "whoo!". My palate matured slightly because I now also enjoy the taste of cold Boones. Basically a Shirley Temple with gin in it is as good to me as like, Johnny Walker Platinum or whatever fancy thing you get me.

But food gifts are fantastic and super appreciated. When I received this four pack of caramel apples I nearly lost my mind with happiness.

Caramel Apple 4 Pack Sampler. Pecan, M&M, Oreo and Reese's. These are better than cookies or chocolate because they are fruit-based and thus your recipient can still operate under the pretense that they aren't being disgusting when they devour these delicious fuckers in half an hour.

Price: $15.96 at caramelapplegifts.com

2. The MUJI Assorted Color Pen

This might just be because I am a writer, but this pen was one of the most helpful and unusual gifts I've ever received.

A broke ex-boyfriend gave this to me so I could edit my hard copies of scripts in different colors. Sort of the manual equivalent of the script-change function on Final Draft. (Oh my god. Final Draft was mentioned in my Fun Blog People Like to Read. Ugh. Sorry, guys). But anyway. Great little gift for writers. You save so much paper, and your scripts look like bad-ass rainbow-filled works of art.

Price: $8 at momastore.org

3. I like looking at cut flowers at people's houses and in doctor's offices and stuff, but when someone gives them to me, I'm like jesus christ, now what? Unless the flowers are like, in a vase already, I'm at a loss. And even if they're in a vase, I secretly kind of hate the fact that in a few days, I have to like, throw them out, have to wash and clean out weird gooky water that smells bad, and petals to pick up.

The first season of the Office, an ex-boyfriend (a lot of boyfriends, I know. Get used to it.) sent me roses at work and they stayed on my desk for weeks until the smell of rotting organic matter got so bad Michael Schur threw them away and like screamed at me. This was, by the way, when Paul, Mike, Ben-Jo and I all shared one office and there were only three computers, and our shared office was the size of a handicapped bathroom stall. First season was tough, man. Remember "Hot Girl"? No? See!

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about.

Oh! Orchids!

Give people orchids you guys. They come in pots already and need basically no care, they smell good and last forever. Also, aesthetically, I think they're so classy and elegant, and your eye appreciates their beauty and color more because there's less to look at.

Price: These Red Sky Orchids in a basket are: $59.99 at 1888orchids.com

Frocks

2007-06-24T19:09:00.000-07:00

Summer is all about frocks. Those of us cursed with small breasts can take considerable solace in the fact that we can totally just wear no bra, a thong, and a frock thrown over our heads post-shower. So easy to be cute in the summer!

What is a frock? It's a flirty, casual, machine-washable dress that you can throw on and wear with flip flops and be adorable. I would even argue a frock should not have to be ironed, though that might be pushing the limits of laziness.

Great frocks don't cost a lot either. I found some incredibly great ones, you guys. Check it:

1. Marc by Marc Jacobs, Camille color block dress

Are we women or lost little schoolgirls? I don't know, you guys. Per usual, Marc Jacobs wants to infantilize us ladies in the hottest fucking way possible.

$158, on sale! net-a-porter.com

2. Lux Striped Keyhole Dress

Did you just finish having sex in the middle of the afternoon? The idea of pulling on your tight little Frankie b's making you cringe? Here's the solution, courtesy of our friends at Lux:

$29.99 (on sale, only online) at urbn.com

3. This dress and color looks good on everyone, I swear, you guys.

Michael Stars Sleeveless V-Neck Tunic Dress in Valley. Made from yummy modal and supima, this dress can be dressed up with strappy heels and a long chain or dressed down in flip flops for a bbq. The saturated Michael Stars colors makes it totally unforgettable. Also, the price. $61 (omg? omfg? yeah, omfg).

4. For oohs and aaahs and how-much-did-that-cost-you-I-bet-it-cost-a-lot looks, this fucking adorable little frock from J.Crew has me super sprung.

Solid cotton jumper dress. light raspberry: $150, jcrew.com

5. Need a little black frock?

Necessary Objects, $58, nordstrom.com

Biolage Sunsorials

2007-06-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

Want shiny sweet-smelling summer hair, even if you have gnarled dread-prone tangles?

My hair is wavy naturally. I've never actually worn it wavy, it looks weird. (It's not thick Rebecca Gayheart hair, it's like crimpy or something, like Tempest Bledsoe). The waviness, if not combed out, becomes dread-lock central. On the show they flat-iron with a Chi (miracle product, have I blogged about them yet?) and that can dry my hair out.

I switch shampoos about three times a year. Like most cosmetic products, even the best, awesomest ones need to be switched out because your body is like "Aha, I know this product, I'm going to be really uncooperative and adjust so it doesn't work anymore. Deal with that, Mindy." Shitty body!

But my new favorite is Biolage Sunsorials.

I got Sunsorials as a gift from an upfronts press thing, and only started using it because it smelled like bottled summer. But it made my hair feel incredible! It's supposed to be for post-swim or post-sunning, but I just use it when I've been around outside in the summer and it just pulls all the sweat out of my hair but not in a overly-clean antiseptic way.

The conditioner is actually called "Sun Repair" and even though it's in a tub (ugh, everything should just be a bottle, argh), it's completely awesome and makes your hair silk strands if you leave it in for about a minute.

Matrix Biolage Sunsorials After Sun Shampoo 8.5 oz: $8.96
Matrix Biolage Sunsorials Sun Repair Treatment 5.1 oz: $12.56

(both are on slight sale at the Goddess Within. Don't get too excited, it's like 5%.)

Good for: Girls AND Boys. Biolage is one of the most unpretentious, least foo-foo of the "fancy" brands, and certainly one of the cheapest. Guys can barely get away with using Bumble & Bumble, it doesn't make them look femmey, like say, using Bedhead products.

www.goddess-within.com

Provigil

2007-05-24T00:22:00.001-07:00

Boy, won't it be great when you can take a pill instead of sleeping, and you'll feel totally refreshed and alert, with no unpleasant side-effects? Man, I can't wait for that hypothetical future time. What's that, you say? That pill exists RIGHT NOW? And it's available to anyone who's willing to visit an unscrupulous doctor and claim to have narcolepsy? But surely this pill has a totally un-Aldous Huxley-an name. What's that, you counter? It's got a wicked Huxley-an name, Provigil? Okay, okay. But surely this pill is not prescribed by any official organizations whose opinions I can trust. Come again? It's prescribed for fighter pilots by the US military, the most trustworthy organization ever? Gee this sounds pretty good so far. But a pill this great is probably really jagged and pointy in shape, like a brittle sea star washed up on the rocks and dried in the sun.

WRONG. IT'S PILL-SHAPED.

XOOTR Kick Scooter

2007-05-23T18:41:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, I ditched my car and moved from L.A. to Manhattan. I was looking forward to getting some exercise during my morning commute; however, I soon discovered that walking 50 blocks in the New York summer heat leaves you too stinky for the office. I didn’t have storage space for a bicycle, and roller blades require balance, so there was only one solution: a foldable kick scooter.

I shelled out $20 for a Razor scooter. It lasted one day. First, my co-workers each had a crack: “Does your mommy let you ride that alone?” “Is it 1997 again?” My co-workers were asses. Then, on the ride home, the Razor got stuck on a sidewalk crack, pitched me forward into a fence, and almost took out a tooth. I gave the Razor to my friends’ children – their teeth will grow back.

A few weeks later, while perusing the discount rack at the Strand bookstore, I saw an older guy in bike shorts with a two-wheeled contraption folded over his shoulder. This thing looked like a Razor, but it had larger wheels and a convenient hand brake (unlike the Razor’s piss-poor rear friction brake). Bike Shorts let me try the thing. It soared over sidewalk cracks, trash, and even a curb. I was in love. With the scooter, not the guy. He was wearing BIKE SHORTS. Ew.

The nearest Xootr dealer was NYCE Wheels, on York Avenue. I decided to get the Venus model. It had a light-weight board that’s easier to carry onto the subway. Plus, it sounded girlier.

Price: $289 with strap.

My Xootr has taken me pretty much all over Manhattan. I rode it through Central Park, where I raced a 7-year-old around the sailboat pond. Sucker. When the weather’s nice, I take it along the Hudson bike path, while Buttner jogs beside me. Once, I rode it down to the Home Depot. As I folded it up, the guard commended me (in a Jamaican accent) for “getting down with my funky self.” And, on September 11, 2006 I took my Xootr down to the World Trade Center memorial site. I hate to admit it, but even a trip down there was kinda fun on a Xootr.

When I first got it, my Xootr was a bit of an oddity. Foreign tourists would take pictures of me on it as if I were the Statue of Liberty or the Naked Cowboy or a black person. But lately, I’ve been seeing more and more Xootrs, especially in the bike lane on Central Park West. In fact, I recently received a telephone message from a retiree named Judy inviting me to join a Xootr club. No thanks Judy, I prefer to fly solo. But I know someone else who might be interested – if you don’t mind bike shorts.

Mindy Kaling Staples, Part Two

2007-05-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

1. Chili Garlic Sauce

A lot of people like spicy food. One thing Danny and I have in common is that we also love spicy food, but usually it's not spicy ENOUGH for us. The extra-spicy Chili Garlic sauce is a delicious Vietnamese hot sauce that you will enjoy. I eat it on everything! It's great in chicken noodle soup, omelettes, even potato chips. Danny likes it better than Tabasco and I kind of agree.

Chili Garlic sauce is a hotter, more watery cousin to the more popular Thai Sriracha.

Sriracha has a nice sweet taste to it and only ranks a 2000 on the scoville scale. (the Scoville scale is the "hotness" scale that measures the nerve reactions in your mucus membranes to spicy foods. Totally interesting. Check it out on wikipedia.)

Price: $4.99 www.mingspantry.com, Whole Foods or any Asian or Indian grocery store.

2.Sherpani Meta Gym Bag

At my gym the lockers are very narrow. Most duffel bags are too wide, and so I used to have to half-empty out my bag to fit into the locker. Lame. Then I bought this awesome gym bag, narrow and pretty-colored, and my problems are solved.

There's also a helpful key fob so you can hook your carkeys on it (you just have to buy a carabiner), and an interior pocket for a water bottle to stay cool.

Price: $62.00 Amazon.com (comes in other cute colors, including a very pretty lime)

3. Blinc heated lash curler

Every girl who loves makeup knows the eyelash curler is one of the most indispensable tools to making your face look like a doe. But not everyone knows about this awesome (and totally safe) HEATED lash curler from blinc.

A small triple-A battery is all you need to warm this up for months. The result is outrageously curled, Betty Boop, "Oh my god, that girl must be stupid her lashes are so long", lashes. You can save all that money you were going to spend on the fancy Lancome mascara and use it to buy this curler. Seriously, one of the great little gimmicky gems that has actually panned out in my years of buying cosmetic junk.

Price: $25

http://www.dermatologistrx.com/DisplayProducts.asp?criteria=19444&T=Froogle&KW=19444

Mindy Kaling Staples part one

2007-05-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

I love thousands of things but I only NEED about thirty. These are staples. Yes, I know people might say I'm not adhering to "staple" in the strict bread-and-water sense of the word, but whatever you guys. Be serious.

1. Calypso "Julia" dress.

The Julia dress is probably better known as The Calypso Wrap Dress. (Or, since this blog is mostly male comedy writers, not known as anything.) It's in the store every season, in different colors, and never goes on sale. And why should it? Even Oprah has given it a shout-out in her magazine. A wrinkled silk dress - perfect for traveling, by the way - that ties and is flattering ON EVERY FIGURE. Paired with very feminine heels, and you're guaranteed gorgeous. At $195 it's worth three times that for the versatility and fun you'll have wearing it.

I just re-read the paragraph above and it seems like I am writing some shitty, shill-y, unfunny copy for the fashion section of a women's health mag. Please don't take this out on the dress, which is, I promise, T.F.A.

Price: $195
www.calypso-celle.com

2. Gilligan & O’Malley® Modal Basic Thong

Best underwear in the world. From Target. Yep.

These thongs are the most comfortable, invisible, awesome underwear I have ever owned. Forget any of those fancy brands promising "no lines and no seams", which invariably give you elastic pooch or wedgies. This underwear is cut just right and made from the miracle material, Modal. What is Modal you ask? According to wikipedia: "Textiles made from Modal do not fibrillate, or pill, like cotton does, and are resistant to shrinkage and fading. They are smooth and soft, more so than even mercerized cotton."

Is this picture of a woman's pelvic area too big? I kind of feel weird posting it. I don't want it to seem pervy (I'm sure Will and Stupnitsky are enjoying it a lot though, so you're welcome.)

For fancy sexy-encounter underwear, go visit your friends at your local Agent Provocateur. These are called the Jillys. They are $120.

(I was recently told by Stupnitsky that thongs aren't sexy, that he thinks they are kind of gross. He prefers regular old underwear on girls. I guess less is not necessarily more in matters panty. I'm curious if this is just Gene's weird theory or whether he speaks for lots of normal guys. I tend to belive Gene because he's very good-looking and sincere, and today was wearing a fantastic man cardigan. Oh, Gene. Someone awesome date Gene!)

For everday basic awesome, it's Gilligan O'Malley. I own at least 30 pairs.

Price: $5.99/pair.
www.target.com

3. New Balance 991s.

I'm not an athlete but I love running. My feet are flat and wide, like Donald Ducks, though. In the olden days people like me were told we couldn't go to war and couldn't ever run because it would cause terrible shin splints. Luckily for us spatula-for-feets, there came along the incredible New Balance 991s. One of the only New Balance running lines not "urbanified" when New Balance went through changes in the late '90s, you can still see 44 year old white men running in these...and me. My boss Greg and I have only two things in common. 1) Our fondness for sweets and 2) our love of the 991s. But be quick! Rumor has it that New Balance is phasing out 991s for their new 992s, so both Greg and I stockpiled a few pairs of the 991s before they're gone forever. I bought mine at the venerable New Balance outlet on Life Street in Brighton, Massachusetts. But you can find them online.

These also make great fashion sneaks for guys. My brother wears these in brown, Forrester wears them in this cool pea green, and Ben-Jo has them in city-black. All look awesome with jeans. Way to go, Bro, Brent and Ben-Jo!

Price: anywhere from $70 to $130 (I got mine for $80)
www.onlineshoes.com

4. Amazing Cosmetics Concealer.

I've talked in great detail about my skin and stuff. You guys know the deal. This concealer was recommended to me by an over zealous salesgirl at Ulta, and I was in one of those situations where I didn't have the boldness to say no, even though I totally didn't need concealer. I was even going to, secretly put it back on the rack when she turned to help someone else, but that never happened, and I felt too guilty not buying it. I was so steaming mad while she was ringing it up.

But then I used it and it was fucking outrageously great. And it should be. It's $40!! Yikes. But what's not yikes is how smoothly it blends into the skin around your eyes and mouth, both concealing darkness and providing a nice base for shadows. Jessica Alba and people like that use this stuff too, which impressed me for some reason.

Wow! What a great reason!

Ippolita

2007-04-30T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm Indian, so I love gold jewelry above all other precious materials. Even when sterling silver got hip when I was in middle school, or when other people had that platinum fixation in the late '90s, I was always 100% a gold girl. It was weird as a high schooler to being wearing heavy gold earrings when my friends wore fun plastic costume jewelry, so I've diversified a little, but at heart, I'm a total golddigger.

The one problem with gold jewelry from India is that the gold is heavy and can stretch your earlobes. At age 23 I noticed my piercings in my ears were getting a little too big, so I panicked and had to give them a rest, save for parties and the occasional pooja. A stretched out earlobe is only slightly less unseemly as stretched out other things, in my humble opinion. Yuck!!

On very rare occasions, I get loaned or given something really special because I am on television. I don't have a publicist or stylist, so often times it's just kind of a random nice person who likes me. One of these random nice people is one my best friends from college, Johnny Lee. Johnny was the head of our campus hip-hop troupe and was this compact, gorgeous little Korean guy who wore, like, Paper Denim, but this was like 1999. I wish I had a picture because he has these ridiculous arms made out of ropey muscle and all the drama-y gay guys on campus would like be crying about him all the time.

Johnny's going to business school out here, but for a few years worked at Ippolita, the dopest jewelry designer. I could never afford this stuff on my own but Johnny has lent me gorgeous stuff for awards shows and stuff.

Look how gorgeous this ring is. It's got the stacked-ring allure to it, but is grown-up because of the tiny sparkly diamonds on it. What a great piece to have in your collection.

Here's me wearing the gold and pearl earrings as pictured:

I look really dorky but I wanted you to be able to see the earrings and not my gorgeous face (for once).

Even better is that Ippolita does pearl jewelry too (my birthstone, ahem) but uses them in totally cool new ways, so it's just your typical preppy pearl necklace type of stuff. She does really cool stuff to pearls, like flattening them into discs and tear-drop shaped pieces with have the coolest opalescent sheen to them.

For: girls who want classic pieces, like bangles or earrings, but with a twist.

Price: $375 - $2000+ (Ippolita is a great place to find your girlfriend's engagement ring, if she's not into Van Cleef & Arpels or Zales or whatever. Also great for graduation presents for your little sister or birthday presents for your mom, girlfriend or sister on big bdays, like 18th, 30th or 50th. You honestly can't go wrong buying bling from Ippolita).

available at: ippolita.com and neimanmarcus.com

"Deathproof" Couture

2007-04-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

I recently saw Grindhouse.

It was one giant fucking gore porno movie. I enjoyed it a great deal, although to be fair, about a third of the movie I had my face buried in my companion's sleeve, I was so fucking terrified. I especially loved the dry and wonderful Nicky Katt, who has arguably the grossest scene in the film, and of course, the magnificent Eli Roth.

"Deathproof" was Tarantino's film, which was the second half of Grindhouse. I want to take a moment to talk about how fucking awesome the girls looked in this movie.

While they are still alive, these girls were wearing some of the baddest Texas shorts-shorts I have ever seen. The look of deep summer Tarantino created was so awesome, because it was girls in their twenties and early thirties rocking a mad teenagery look that is a cool update from the "shorts and wife beater and strings of chains" girls are wearing everywhere now. Check them out:

So, I now officially have Shorts Fever. Here are some of my favorites for the season.

These are my most prized possession of late, these unreal silver Mint dress shorts.

They don't nearly as cool in this photo. You have to go to the website and zoom in. You'll thank me. They are sick. I find myself zoning out at work while people are diligently coming up with Jim-Pam storylines and thinking about my legs in these shorts.

Forever21 has some unusual shorts too.

These high-waisted pinstripes look adorable with either a poofy little white top or even one of those ridiculous American Apparel leotards you always look at quizzically.

Dace made this shorts jumper that will probably be my uniform in the heat of August 2007. They make me wish I owned (and knew how to use) rollerskates.

Lastly, our friends at Charlotte Ronson, er, Charlotte, has come up with the best basic shorts for the season.

These casual khakis can be dressed down with flip flops or dressed up with kitten heels and a flowy black silk tank.

Good for: Girls west of New York City (trying to get my New York sisters to wear shorts is a total lost cause.)

Mint shorts: $260 Bergdorfgoodmans.com
Pinstriped shorts: $19.99 forever21.com
Dace jumper: $186 girlshop.com
Charlotte Ronson khaki roll-ups: $180 revolveclothing.com

The Stick

2007-04-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Boston Marathon, I am posting about my favorite running aid, the unimaginatively named "The Stick".

When I run my calves get sore and crampy. Oh man. The cramps are wicked, these insanely painful charley horse type things, where you can like, see the muscle curl up and die when you look at my calf. Gross. Painful.

I remember to stretch and I take potassium and it's not like I'm running some Kenyan amount, so I was like what the hell, make this stop.

But it all got so much better when I began to use the amazing The Stick. It's basically a long baton covered in heavy plastic beads with two handles on the end.

You massage it over your sore muscles and the beads use the pressure of your arms to really penetrate into your worked-out, tired muscles.

Have your friend or boyfriend "stick" you and it's even better. (pfffftt heee chortle! another plus to using this product are the endless hilarious innuendo jokes you can make about it; best name of a thing since the poop deck.)

Good for: people who work out who get sore easily or, like me, have a painful problem area. Also a terrific present for friends who are beginning to start an exercise regime, or just plain like massages and stuff.

Price: $40 (I love this company but they do try to make you buy a bunch of useless extra shit. Just get the plain old Original Stick and you won't need anything else, I promise).
www.thestick.com

The Man Cardigan

2007-04-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

I love cardigans on dudes.

I know. Every time I see some cute hipster guy rocking a cardigan, and like, smoking outside La Poubelle, I want to run up and smooch the shit out of him.

I think they make guys look so sexy in a smart grown-up-man way, the apparel equivalent of glasses.

They're especially charming on guys under the age of 35, because it's as though they're playing this sexy idealized version of "Dad". But instead of reading Fitzgerald translations of the Aeneid and listening to Harry Belafonte, sexy Cardigan Young Fake Dad reads George Saunders and likes Lily Allen and will of COURSE buy you a drink.

All in all, super extra hot and adorable.

It's especially nice when a guy lets you wear his during a cold movie or something.

The real question is: Will "Naked Post-Coital Girl wearing her Boyfriends Cardigan" become the new "Naked Post-Coital Girl wearing her Boyfriend's Button-Down Shirt"? I certainly hope so.

Girls? Let's get this thing started.

clockwise from the top:
Paul Smith cardigan eluxury: $300
David Chu striped cashmere sweater, saksfifthavenue.com: $750
Marc Jacobs striped cardigan $96 (on sale): bluefly.com
Stock Military Cardigan Sweater urban outfitters: $48

Dr. Praeger's Sensible Foods

2007-04-08T21:20:00.000-07:00

Trader Joe's is everyone's favorite out here in Los Angeles. I like it too but sometimes I'm like, why can't I just find some fucking normal-ass soda here? Why is everything like creamsicle root berry nectar or whatever.

But really, there is not much to gripe about at Trader Joe's. It's super cheap and they have a cool rotating array of frozen ethnic foods. I like their frozen pastas, like their raviolis stuffed with any number of cool things from lobster to pumpkins. (One caveat though is that I heard that many of the frozen ethnic Trader Joe's meals have been yanked because of Listeria bacteria found in them which can totally fuck you up (I'm fine, by the way. Don't worry. God I love you guys so much.))

What I DO like picking up from Trader Joe's is the incomparable Dr. Praeger's Sensible Foods Tex-Mex veggie burger.

Who is Dr. Praeger? This weird dude:

I guess he looks like a doctor. A doctor of the evil-prison-doctor variety. Not sure why he chose not to smile in his press photo. But whatever.

Dr. Praeger's burgers are fantastic because they're not mainly soy. They're these compact little rich-tasting flavor burgers. The success lies in the fact that they aren't trying to taste like a real ground beef burger, the way Boca burgers try to. They're just their own awesome little thing. The ingredients are: Carrots, Black Beans, Onions, String Beans, Corn, Zucchini, Soybeans, Oat Bran, Peas, Red Pepper, Spinach, Expeller Pressed Canola Oil, Broccoli, Textured Soy Flour, Oat Fiber, Arrowroot, Jalepeno Peppers, Chili Powder, Garlic, Corn Meal, Corn Starch, Cilantro, Salt, Parsley, Black Pepper, All Natural Vegetable Gum.

Besides weirdo "vegetable gum", I'd totally vouch for all the rest of those ingredients. Also, they're kosher.

I don't even use a bun. But you CAN be totally decadent and melt gruyere cheese on them and some of those sliced jalapenos in water, eat them with a lot of ketchup. They taste good microwaved, but exceptionally good if you spray Pam or olive oil on a pan and get them really crispy on the outside.

At 110 calories each, you can eat two, a diet coke and a little salad and be totally full.

Good for: Anyone who likes savory warm things that take a minute to prepare. Also, if you are guy with not a lot of money, but want to make a yummy meal for a girl on like, your 3rd date, and you absolutely have no idea how to make stir-fry or broil salmon or whatever, this is a good meal for a guy to cook for a girl. It's not fancy, but if you make it look all nice she'll think you're completely cute for doing this. Especially if you remember to get like, two cupcakes for dessert. This also makes a girl have to come to your apartment, which is helpful for make-out reasons.

Price: $3.99 a box! (which has 4 in them!)

Get Dr. Praegers at any Trader Joes.

Work

2007-04-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

People say, 'Oh my god I just got back from Tokyo. It's like New York, only you feel fat as soon as you get off the plane." Now that I've gone to Work, the custom jeans shop in Echo Park, I've had the Tokyo experience. The dudes who work there are the remnants of an elite race of wide-eyed elves with ribcages showing through threadbare 'Bo Knows' and 'Button Your Fly' tee-shirts, and they live in a wood of hanging denim. When I walked through the door to pick up the jeans, the one who took my order earlier was actually wordlessly holding them aloft, having seen me coming through the window, apparently, like the jeans were Excalibur, or The One Blade of Lothlorien.

He made the hems brush against my ankles just like I'm pretty sure they're supposed to. And he did it as swiftly and neatly and unemotively as Legolas dispatched the war elephant being ridden by a crypto-African in The Return of the King. And some of the people who work in the store are in a band which is also called Work.

http://www.workcustomjeans.com/

Mario Badescu Drying Lotion

2007-04-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

There is little worse in the world than a whitehead.

Except if you are Indian and have DARK SKIN and you have a WHITEHEAD. And then you are forced to go on NATIONAL TELEVISION with a whitehead, and the person you're doing a scene with, Benjamin Joseph Novak (or "Ben-Jo") has PERFECT CLEAR skin and a total NAIVE INFURIATING ATTITUDE about acne, and he wrinkles and his nose and asks "what's that thing on your chin?".

I hate to say whiteheads are worse for me, but they totally are, you guys.

I have oily skin. For years people tell me it's good cuz later, when I'm old, all those oils will make my skin less wrinkly or whatever than the drier, porcelain skin of my white girlfriends. I think it's an Indianized modification of the saying "Black don't crack". But I also think it's crap because because by the time I'm old enough to have wrinkles I'll be dead from a coke overdose anyway, and technology will be such that my white friends can buy brand new faces.

What am I talking about...yes, pimple fighting.

Mario Badescu Drying Lotion. What a great little spot treatment this is.

It's a weird yellow potion with chalky acne-fighting sediment in the bottom of it. You take a Q-tip, push it to the bottom of the vial, get some of that gunk on it and put in on your whitehead. By days end, the whitehead will dry up and disappear. What I even sometimes do is pop my zit, let all the gross juicy badness ooze out, then smack a dollop of Badescu on there. It stings in such an awesome way, where you feel confident those bad acne particles are getting executed big-time.

You can even wear makeup OVER it, just let it dry first. This way you can fight horrible whiteheads all day, even while you're fighting crime or whatever.

Good for: anyone you know who breaks out. Probably should NOT give this as a gift.

Price: $17
www.mariobadescu.com

Heelys!

2007-03-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

I recently got Heelys.

Heelys are shoes with wheels in the bottom. I've seen kids skating around airports in them for a while and thought to myself "I wonder if those come in adult sizes."

Well, the answer is that they do.

They take a day or two to get used to and your inner thighs really ache at first, but after that, they're awesome.

It's a fun trick to wear them out, walk around normally, and then all of the sudden skate off as people think to themselves "Who is that badass gaywad?!?"

Spinach & Feta Purse

2007-03-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, like 11 or 12, I used to keep a list of my favorite SNL sketches on an index card in my wallet. It was really important for some reason, like if the topic of favorite SNL sketches came up in conversation, I could refer to this master list. Weird.

Later it became important that I know at any moment my ten favorite foods. To this day, if I eat something incredibly good, I immediately think "put this in your list of favorite foods in case someone asks you". Usually I forget. The only foods that I really remember are dried cranberries, rotisserie chicken, Banh mi,

(Vietnamese sandwich. According to Wikipedia: It is made up of thinly sliced, pickled carrots, daikon, onions, cilantro, choice of barbecued pork, paté, chicken and other meats, amazingly awesome and difficult to find)...and spinach and cheese croissants.
,
When I was growing up, my dad would bring them home from Quebrada bakery in Wellesley Massachusetts. Delicious. They were flat and oily, and unlike Au Bon Pain who keeps their savory croissants in a incubator, the cheese was congealed and salty. So delicious, and terribly bad for you. But then we moved away and I became more conscious of losing baby fat and didn't eat them for about fifteen years.

I had one for lunch today. It was the best one I've ever eaten. Technically it's called the Spinach and Feta Purse and I got it at the Little Next Door Market. It's feta cheese, and not some cheap cheddar or American cheese that many of these bakeries will try to pass off in their savory pastries, and it's smaller than you'd hope. It basically fits in the palm of your hand. Which is good because it's crazy dense and the olive oil will seep through any number of napkins. I washed mine down with an icy diet Coke.

Little Next Door is a great find too. My companion and I had meant to go to Doughboys, but the wait was forty-five minutes and there was no wait at Little Next Door (but it was thankfully still full and busy-looking, with happy, hip looking patrons). It has a huge array of French prepared foods and pastries, but also an impressive breakfast and sandwich menu (black truffle and brie omelette, anyone?)It's Craftbar to Little Door's Craft. I've never been to Little Door, though Michael from work says it's terribly romantic, though the food is hit or miss.

Good for: People who like rich little salty things that melt in your mouth and have negligible nutritional content.

Price: $3.50

at:
8142 West 3rd Street, CA 90048
(next door to The Little Door, closest cross street is Crescent Heights)
open 10-6

Melissa Odabash one piece

2007-03-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

One pieces are great.

Look, I am all for bikinis. I own about 15 pairs. My favorite is this fucking dope little Burberry one. You remember, of course, Jay-Z telling us of Beyonce's Burberry-bikini predilection in "Bonnie & Clyde '03". So it kind of behooved me to see what the deal is with their swimwear. And, as I predicted, their swimwear line is totally fucking awesome. Thanks Jay-Z!!(For the record, one of my biggest goals in life is to be name-checked in a Jay-Z song. Not a big surprise there, I know. But still, I am telling you about my HOPES and DREAMS.)

So, this is mine. It's the famous Burberry Novacheck pattern but not the beige plaid (in my mind making it slightly less label-whorey), Check it out:

In Hawaii, you're considered kind of weird if you wear a one piece. I think that is kind of cool. I noticed that when went there. It doesn't matter how in shape you are, women rock bikinis no matter what. The other nice thing about bikinis is that after you go swimming, your stomach and torso don't stay all wet when you dry off.
So yeah, bikinis trump one pieces.

Except this season there are some incredibly fucking cute ones.

I love the one-pieces out now because they are sexy in a chaste, retro way. Look how freaking adorable Kirsten Dunst looks in this little number:

Doesn't she look like your sexiest babysitter ever? I recently was told by a guy I know that Kirsten Dunst is an incredibly hot woman. I was never so struck by her looks until I saw this photo. Cutelicious.

Here is my favorite. It's a Melissa Odabash. Her swimwear is amazing, and unfortunately totally expensive. It's completely flamboyant and totally Miami and tiny and hot as hell.

It's so Lily Pulitzer but not matronly. And there's tiny little bling detailing on it. Also, it's strapless, so you can totally show off your decolletage.

For someething awesome but a little more affordable, I found this adorable halter suit from J.Crew, of all places.

You'll look like a sexy little Dalmation. Ruf!

Melissa Odabash
www.netaporter.com
Price: $101.50 (on sale! From more than $200!)

JCrew
www.jcrew.com
Price: $74.00

Gingerbread Waffles

2007-03-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

Making waffles is like baking for really impatient people. So, totally perfect for me.

In the future imaginary household I run, I'd like to serve these amazing waffles for dinner once a week.

Usually I don't fuck with things that are perfect - like waffles - but these gingerbread waffles are so unusual and great you might like them even better than plain buttermilk waffles.

These are fantastic for brunch with some sausage links, or for dinner, with breaded chicken (or KFC, seriously!) accompanied by a big spinach salad.

Note: These are denser than regular waffles because of the pumpkin puree. This recipe is from the delightful Rachael Ray, controversial breakout star of the Food Network.

I happen to like Rachael Ray. She's kind of chirpy and chubby and I identify with her.

Almost everyone I know loathes her at first, but is eventually charmed by her down-to-earth personality, and the easy-to-makeness of her recipes. Plus I find her genuinely cute. With some "upbeat" television personalities, you can see the thinly disguised weariness in their eyes and it's scary, like say, Megan Mullaly on her short-lived show. But Ms. Ray seems to suppress this exhaustion and sadness better than others, so I can at least pretend she is indeed overjoyed to be teaching me how to make risotto or whatever.

Gingerbread Waffles
Recipe courtesy Rachael Ray

3 cups all-purpose flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground ginger (I was a little bit generous with the ginger since I love the sharp taste of gingersnaps)
1/2 teaspoon freshly grated nutmeg, eyeball it
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 large eggs
2/3 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 cup canned pumpkin puree
1 1/4 cups milk
1/2 cup molasses
1/2 cup (1 stick) melted butter, plus some to butter the iron
Syrup, whipped cream or fresh fruits for topping, to pass at table

Preheat waffles iron.

In a large bowl combine flour, baking powder, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg and salt. In a medium bowl, beat eggs and brown sugar until fluffy, then beat in pumpkin, milk, molasses and melted butter. Stir the wet into dry until just moist. Do not overstir the waffle batter. Brush the iron with a little melted butter and cook 4 waffles, 4 sections each. Serve with toppings of choice.

Price: free. I didn't buy this!! (but I did buy ingredients. I know that is lame technicality, and it chips away at the integrity of this blog, but really, these waffles are amazingly, amazingly delicious).

Short Hair!

2007-03-12T20:30:00.000-07:00

I recently chopped off my hair.

I liked having long hair but it was always getting caught in things and I often times didn't comb it because it was very time-consuming. Then it would get knotted and dredlocky and a big pain. Also, when it was hot out, my neck would get kind of sweaty. And sometimes when I'd go to bed I'd find strange debris in it, like earrings I wore the week before or dried up jam.

Look, I know guys dig long hair. My dad and brother have always vehemently shared that opinion. Even if it's kind of ratty and trailer-y looking, for whatever reasons guys just kind of like long strands of material surrounding a girls face. Weird.

And I *did* like it sometimes. I liked how it felt draping on my back when I wore a halter dress, and I liked how it felt when boys would tug on it (I really liked that). But my new short hair is universally loved more, especially by lazy old me.

Because it was drastic, and i wanted a bob, I went to the masters of the bob, the folks at John Freida on Melrose. I went to John Frieda because Sally Hershberger is based there, the fancy stylist who invented Meg Ryan's piecy kick-ass bob from the terrible movie "Addicted To Love". Check it:

Leland cut my hair, he's awesome and a total babe in a Michael Stipe kind of way. He has since left but Amber still works there and touches it up. They are both incredibly cool. Amber has a sleeve of tattoos and lives in Echo Park, so...yeah, I'm kind of totally set for life.

Anyway, here are the before and afters:

BEFORE:

AFTER:

I like the short hair. It's flirtier and has more volume than it ever did. Good for spring and summer. Boys will have to just like me for my personality for once.

Price: around $150 (but worth it if you are going to get something major done, like I did, and cheaper for upkeep snips later on).

8440 Melrose Place
West Hollywood, CA 90069-5308
(323) 653-4040

Spring Shimmer Skin.

2007-03-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

I blogged in the winter about how important it is to have moisturized skin. But now spring is upon us, and my concerns are different. I don't just want to have super smooth and soft skin for my Johnson shorts; I want to shimmer like a demi-goddess.

My controversial theory is that glitter makeup is meant to be worn exclusively by girls up to age 25, people attending Halloween parties, and transvestites. People have argued with me about this forever and think I'm terribly old-fashioned. And believe me, it was damn hard to say goodbye to my Urban Decay Heavy Metal glitter eye gel (in Roadie) on my 26th birthday.

It kind of sucks but I think it shows propriety. Anyway, there IS a silver lining (no pun intended, but appreciated) and that is that glitter has a cooler much more sophisticated older sister: Shimmer!

Subtle shimmer is great for anyone, no matter how old.

For a bronzey shimmer:

Nars Body Glow will give you the sexiest most subtle shimmer all over your body so people will think you're just a tanned, golden person of the J.Lo variety. Pour a liberal amount in your lotion, shake, and then use whenever you wear shorts or a low-cut white or black dress. Do this and you'll be all set to audition for that Tennessee Williams play.

For pinker, more special-occasion shimmer:

Benefit's hollywood glo body lustre is for when you want your decolletage and arms to look all twinkly. I wouldn't waste this on your legs. Whereas Nars Body Glow will make you look heat-of-the-summer hot, this is more for evening time, and conspicuously "shimmery". Wear this when you have that fancy dinner where you think you're boyfriend might propose to you.

Good for: Awesome gals 25+ (if you're younger, do glitter, man. Don't bother yourself trying to be subtle.)

Price: Nars $59 at Sephora.com, Benefit $26 at benefitcosmetics.com

Steve Has a High Tolerance.

2007-03-10T23:34:00.000-08:00

In the Saturday, February 17, 2007, regarding "St. Patrick's Day Potatoes", we mistakenly asserted that friend Steve "gets drunk easily". In addition, we had no idea it was "Stephen" and not "Steven". All in all, a dark time for Things I've Bought that I Love.

Our apologies. For the record, I still think I'm right. Like, I really think I'm right. Whatever, Steve. We'll find out this weekend, won't we, Mr. Irish?

(ETA: I find it incredibly cute that Steve's email starts off with "I really resent..." but ends with "cordially". Steve, for all his misguided notions of his own sobriety, has good manners.)

Date: Sat, 10 Mar 2007 18:24:50 -0800 (PST)
From: "Steve"
Subject: blog
To: "Mindy"
I really resent the recent claim on your blog that I get drunk easily. In fact, it takes quite a bit to get me as drunk as I like to be. That's why I need to drink so much.

Cordially,
Stephen

Snyders Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzel gift tin

2007-03-10T16:47:00.000-08:00

Nobody doesn't like Justin Timberlake.

And nobody doesn't like Snyders Honey Mustard and Onion Pretzel bites. These are all major truths, y'all. It's important. Listen up.

You've all had these right? Oh, please readers, say you have.

You know how Pringles says "You can't eat just one!"? Well, that's true for Pringles; they are damn good. But usually you won't eat an entire box of Pringles, then like, run out to buy another box. Here's the thing: the Snyder's slogan should be "Cut it out, you fucking pig. You're a disgrace.", they are so fucking delicious. They are my absolute favorite savory junk food.

They're little pretzel nuggets covered in sweet bright yellow powder. That sounds revolting, I know. But the powder is like crazy magic God powder which is both sweet and salty and oniony and each nugget is like a little explosion in your mouth of yummy crunchy deliciousness.

What's extra awesome about these is that they don't sell them, like everywhere, like Pringles or Doritos. They appear in strange convenience marts or gas stations unexpectedly, so it's fun and exciting when you find them.

My dad is a ridiculous salty-snacker. It's the worst ever, because he's kind of skinny too, and no one else in my family can copy his snacky patterns because it'd wreck us. He loves these too, so I recently bought him a gift tin(!) of them from snydersofhanover.com.

Yep! You can order a gift tin basket thingy full of these fuckers. It's a great, great gift.

Good for: congratulations gifts for friends, dads, bros, uncles, writing staffs of comedy shows. I bet girlfriends would be annoyed with a gift like this though.

Price: $24.99(!!!) at snydersofhanover.com

Nanette Lepore perfume

2007-03-10T16:00:00.000-08:00

You can't always wear "fuck me" perfume.

People would think you're weird. Also, it's just too much. I can't be sitting in the writers room at 11PM, in a sweatshirt, eating Subway or whatever, trying to pull off Agent Provocateur. I recently wore a slightly patterned-y long sleeved Charlotte Ronson dress - totally cute by the way - and my co-worker Michael asked me if I was going to the Renaissance Fair. I can hardly ever do anything I want to do without some little observation from the horrible writers on staff, carolinehope can attest to this.

It's like if you always wore bright red lips, like Christina Aguilera. Honestly, I saw a picture of her in sweats, like headed to the gym and she was wearing bright red lipstick. Come on, X'tina. What are you supposed to wear when you're trying to seduce someone? You have to like, rip yours lips off at that point.

So when you don't want to ooze Sexuality, and you want to ooze Normal Awesome Girl, or you just don't want to ooze at all, you should wear Nanette Lepore Shanghai Butterfly.

It's described as: "This exciting fragrance fuses East and West; opening with crisp, exhilarating accords of lush lemon slice, mandarin, snow apple, and spicy carnation." I don't know about all that, but I do know it makes you smell fresh and pretty like a successful, trustworthy person. Great to throw in your gym bag as an everyday fragrance.

Good for: platonic girls in your life, Moms, your little sisters first perfume.

Price: $78.00 for 3.4 oz

at neimanmarcus.com

Forever 21

2007-03-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

This past week, the women of the Office were on location at a mall. I know, right? It wasn't even my idea! Between scenes, the lovely Rashida Jones and I escaped to Forever 21. Rashida has the best taste of anyone I've met who doesn't make money off their taste. It's great to have someone like her with you in a knock-offy store or thrift store. So I totally took advantage and had her advise me on some cool threads.

This dope little jacket is almost an identical match to my hideously expensive Geren Ford jacket I bought this fall. I wear it over tight jeans, a tank and long layered chainy necklaces. It's the cutest.

In the centuries old fight of which is better, Forever 21 or H&M, most of my friends fall on the side of H&M. They argue the H&M stuff is hipper, and of all the cheapie knock-off stores, H&M comes the closest to the designers it's ripping. But I think they're just seduced by the Euro allure of H&M. I have had way more luck at Forever 21 than H&M. (I will say that the H&M on 5th Avenue in midtown NYC is pretty fucking fun. I always go there, drop serious cash on a completely awesome and dispensable wardrobe, then go up to 'dorfs and drop serious cash on an awesome perfume or cashmere scarf.)

Forever 21 is a total mess always, with kind of vacant, unhelpful teenage girls working there, but there are gems everywhere. It's also disgustingly cheap. Like cheaper than H&M. Like so cheap you kind of wish they charged more cuz you're like "Ew, why is this so cheap, what's wrong with it?". But then you realize it's probably South East Asian laborers making everything and it costs a tenth of a cent to produce and you see how you're cashing in on the best deal in town! (don't think about this stuff too much though, you'll start feeling guilty for the poor people, in like, Macau or wherever sewing together a knit jumper so you can own it for 17 bucks).

One caveat: often, the details on Forever 21 stuff sucks. What contributor Lola taught me do was to buy sweet new buttons and hooks at JoAnn fabrics, then have a tailor replace them. She recently did this with a gorgeous black jacket from Forever 21 and when I saw it, I thought it was from Marc Jacobs!! Isn't that an amazing story?

Good for: Girls, duh. Not moms though. My mom hates this store. There and Delias. Makes her want to puke. Best for when you don't have an agenda, or a specific item of clothing you need, but rather, a general sense of wanting to revamp your outfit and a lot of time on your hands. Also, bring a girlfriend with you. Unlike shopping at like, Intermix or Scoop, there are crazy hits and misses here, and you might just pick a miss unless your savvy gf tells you to knock it off. Brenda is particularly good at this.

Price: these tops above are $17 and $24 respectively and can be found on forever21.com

Mason Pearson

2007-02-27T07:26:00.000-08:00

There are some things I discovered living in Hollywood that are total princess purchases. These things/treatments never go on sale and people don't care because they are completely must-haves for idiotic girls like me with disposable income. Chi flat irons, sidekicks, Ugg boots, oxygen facials, Tory Burch flats.

Added to this list are Mason Pearson hair brushes.

Dudes, these brushes do not fuck around. You really can't go back once you've used one of these. I was totally happily using my cheapo Goodie brand or whatever from CVS, but then one day Debbie from our hair department brushed me out using a Mason Pearson and I was like sprung for life.

Depending on what type of hair you have, you get either mostly boar or nylon bristles. The bristles stimulate your scalp in a gentle but awesome way, and make everyone's hair look shiny and full and bouncy. Mason Pearson is an old English company and Mr. Pearson was an actual inventor and engineer who has a real "Professor and the Madman" look about him. Totally awesome.

I'm one of those people who would literally pay a person a hundred dollars to play with my hair and scalp for twenty minutes so I especially dig these brushes. If I'm on my deathbed, I want my husband or daughter to play with my hair as the morphine slowly saps the life from me or whatever. It just feels so good.

Also, I heard they used Mason Pearson on Natalie Portman when she played Queen Padme in Star Wars, and man oh man did she look pretty.

Good for: Girlfriends. If you give your girlfriend a Mason Pearson brush, you are guaranteed action. I mean, come on. How old-fashionedly awesome is it to give the lady in your life a hairbrush?? It's straight up O.Henry suitorly type behavior. Also, it shows you are paying attention to stuff but aren't like a total dandy (yeah, I'd say if you're a guy and use a Mason Pearson brush, you might want to keep that to yourself...that seems kinda gay). But as a gift, forget it. Swoon central.

Price: from $75 to $135. (I know. Craziness. But all you need is one for the rest of your life.)

if you search around the net, you can find a bunch of places that sell Mason Pearson. The best discounts were at:

www.baycitiesbeautystore.com and ebay.

Forrester & Best Treadmill Mix, Ever

2007-02-19T23:59:00.000-08:00

I don't want to brag, but I recently totally transitioned from running a 10 minute mile to a 8.5 minute mile.

My old strategy for picking up speed on the treadmill was to pretend like my mom was kidnapped at gunpoint but if I ran fast enough, I could like, save her somehow. Even if you have a vivid imagination, which I do, that's pretty hard to commit to that for longer than 20 seconds, because in the back of your mind you're like "this is totally fake, you fucking idiot." and you start thinking about something else and slow down. Also, it's weird.

I got faster doing two cool tricks. (By the way, huge disclaimer: I am so not an athlete. I run because I am a comedy writer who eats like three-course lunches every day and trail mix and if I didn't, I'd have to wear elastic pants every day, instead of several times a month.

I also happen to do believe that whole exercise-releases-endorphins thing but if I'm being totally honest, it's the not-wanting-to-get-super-fat thing that makes me exercise.) The first trick I learned from Brent Forrester.

Brent writes on the show this year. He has no body fat and like eleven Emmys. He grew up in Malibu and is extraordinarily positive and high energy. For whatever reason we get along great. Brent is also a nationally ranked aquathlete, which is a real thing even if it sounds like I made it up. You'll have to look it up yourself, but the point is, he's terribly fit and gave me this great tip about running: To get faster, he suggested I shift variables in my running and then reward myself. Here's how: I made the incline on my treadmill very high at my 10 minute mile for 2 minutes, which was super hard and completely sucked. But then to reward myself, I turned off the incline but MADE MY SPEED FASTER, which was a sneaky way of tricking my legs to totally run faster. It feels a lot easier than the incline but it's still faster than my former pace. Brent's so smart. He also wrote on the Ben Stiller show.

Which was one of my favorite shows ever growing up. So, double awesome.

But Mindy, what did you BUY?

I happen to have on my iPod the single best running mix ever made. It's a compilation of songs bought on iTunes or given to me by friends and it kicks so much ass and makes running so fun. So instead of pretending my mom is held at gun point, I pretend I'm a featured dancer in the music video of most of these following songs.

iTunes has several versions of workout mixes, but I think mine is better.

Enjoy!

Hung Up - Madonna
Mass Romantic - New Pornographers
Love at First Sight - Kylie Minogue
Yeah! - Usher
U.R.A.Q.T. - M.I.A.
Beautiful - Snoop
Gold Digger - Kanye West
Days Go By - Dirty Vegas
Dirrrty - Christina Aguilera
Chewing Gum - Annie
Check On it - Beyonce
Born in the U.S.A. - Bruce Springsteen
My Love - JT
Damn I Wish I was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins

Then I cool down to:

Long December (live MTV version) - Counting Crows

and if I'm really, really good, I'll do crunches to:

Remember the Time - Michael Jackson
Inside of Love - Nada Surf

Good for: Yourself. Friends who exercise.

Price: $28 or so, but come on. You already own "My Love" and "Check on It", right? Oh god, please say yes you guys.

www.iTunes.com

St. Patrick's Day "Potatoes"

2007-02-17T14:03:00.000-08:00

Who doesn't love St. Patrick's Day? There is zero pressure to entertain anyone, spend money, or cook or dress up or anything. There is no emotionally draining element to this holiday. You are only required to consume thousands of calories of corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, and heavy dark beer and maybe later have drunken sex. Totally low maintenance, high fun holiday.

So, I don't want to ruin the holiday or irritate people by encouraging a little bit of fun consumerism on this day. But listen up you guys. There is nothing wrong with buying your favorite Irish friends these awesome Sees Candies St. Patrick's Day Potatoes. These are so fucking cute, weird, and delicious.

First of all, Sees Candies deserves a bit of a shout-out. Sees is a homey, un-hoity, west coast confectionery chain famous for giving away crazy amounts of samples if you stop by any store. As far as I can tell, there is no East Coast version of Sees. We only have cold, expensive, prissy Godiva stores at the mall and stuff. Places that subscribe to the philosophy of tons of free samples are the best ever and deserve special spanks. So there's that.

Second of all, how fucking enterprising of the scientists at Sees to come up with candy "potatoes". That is so weird and gutsy, man. Who the hell wants to chomp into a raw potato that might hopefully taste sweet? I have to give props to something so risky.

Here's the description of the "Potatoes":

"The center is See's famous light and airy divinity, full of white chocolate and loads of California-grown walnuts. Hand shaped and enrobed in See's delicate milk chocolate, this spud is then rolled in a special blend of cinnamon and cocoa powder. Finally, for authenticity, the 'eyes' of the potato are applied using pine nuts."

Just so unbelievably cute. And See's divinity is a hard-to-find, old-timey, awesome kind of airy, white fudge which melts in your mouth.

I only have two Irish people in my life. One is my friend Steven (very tall, quite thin, gets drunk easily, I out-eat him regularly) and Ben (quite tall, very thin, gets drunk easily, I also out-eat him), and I think a good sweet Sees Potato will fortify their stomachs and keep them from teetering over into an alley and getting mugged (or carjacked like in Six Feet Under, this is Los Angeles, after all) this St. Patty's Day.

Good for: Irish friends, teachers, moms, little kids

Price: $17 (for 6 individually wrapped Potatoes)
www.seescandies.com

p.s. This year, if we get out of work in time, I think I'm going straight to Molly Malone's on Fairfax. I can walk home from there and the food is great.

I'll get a Shillelagh sandwich (totally delicious Irish club sandwich) and several Sam Adams lights (I know, I know. But guys, I can't drink Guinness or Beamish or whatever. I'm not Cameron Diaz in "Something About Mary". I drink that shit and I get crazily fat. There are limits.)

Yves Saint Laurent Touche Eclat

2007-02-15T15:44:00.000-08:00

Miracle Product Alert!

As I've gotten older, I've noticed more darkness around my eyes and mouth. I can't even believe I'm confessing this. I guess I had to come down from that pristine Mindy Kaling pedestal eventually. Sorry guys. Oh well.

Anyway. Sometimes if I don't sleep enough I look like a raccoon.

Super cute, right?

WRONG!! GIRLS TOTALLY DON'T WANT TO LOOK LIKE RACCOONS!

We all agree Oprah has the best fucking skin and makeup ever, right?

She looks like a bar of milk chocolate. I can't even deal. Part of it is that Oprah famously uses highlighting.

All our skin can look kind of ashy and uneven, and this YSL concealer makes everyone look like their skin was as even and flawless as Oprah's. No matter how hungover or strung out you are, you will look like a happy, well-rested bad-ass. And the reason why this YSL concealer is better than another high quality concealer, is because of it's highlighting abilities, which kind of diffuses light smoothness in dark places.

They say (and it's true):

"a take-anywhere pen/brush, adds a touch of light or banishes shadows and signs of fatigue from the eye area, hollow of the chin, contour of the lips and sides of the nose."

I wear Luminous Toffee, but it's easy to find your color, there are only four shades. Wear it under a great foundation (I use Amazing Cosmetics powder foundation, which is loose and light but gives awesome coverage for my pimple-prone skin. Sigh. Yes, I still get pimples.)

Good for: females who swear by concealers, and those who have to be at work at 5AM on a semi-regular basis.

Price: $38.50 at nordstrom.com

Society for Rational Dress

2007-02-13T16:25:00.000-08:00

I like brands that take themselves extremely seriously. Jeans manufacturers seem to do it the most: People's Liberation, People for Peace, True Religion. They sound like terrorist organizations and I love that. It makes me feel like the $230 I am shelling out for jeans is going to some freedom fighters or something.

So I was over the moon when I discovered this Society for Rational Dress jumper.

To be honest, I don't know the brand that well. I just stumbled upon it when I was trolling for a limited-run Mike&Chris hoodie on shopmava.com. This is how I find most of my favorite things, by accident.

I love jumpers. Yeah, I know some people think they're awful, but I think they're talking about the terry cloth trash-heap kind that as modeled by Jessica Simpson in her "Public Affair" video.

Don't get me wrong. Jessica looks hot, but this is not a look any person NOT in a Brett Ratner video or in a Applegate/Longoria sandwich can pull off.

That's why this little silver silk jumper is so rare and awesome. Everyone looks great in them. It's a fairly modest tank, with unexpectedly long shorts, and all in a shimmery silver. Jumpers are young and awesome, and make people look not-serious but sexy. And silver, as many magazines have pointed out, is the new gold. You offset the conservative length of the shorts with sky-high stilettos. Paired with sheer black tights, drapey chains and sparkly eye makeup...awesome. Or, no tights and these sick silver Marc Jacobs boots:

(My rule of thumb when you wear silver or gold you should match your shoes to go with the outfit - then you look sleek and polished like a unstoppable metallic bullet! Total commitment to the metallic = total badass impact of the look)

And both are on sale. Boo-Yah!

Good for: when you need to get dressed up for something but want to be awesome and young-looking, not classic.

Prices:
jumper: (also in black) shopmava.com: was $209.00, now $83.60, I'm sorry how fucking sick is that????
boots: Marc Jacobs, amazon.com was $700.00, now $459.00

Door Gym

2007-02-07T12:01:00.000-08:00

There's nothing "frivolous" or "fun" about this product. This wonder of design is all about getting shit done, by which I mean using your own body weight to blast your lats into rippling landscapes of unbridled power. If you have a doorway in your home with a standard lintel (I believe that's the right term), your door gym can be set up in seconds and removed in seconds, with no damage to the doorframe. I love my door gym so much that every time I've gone apartment hunting in LA, a prerequisite has been a doorway that could accommodate it. Many of my friends have purchased a door gym on my recommendation, and if there's one thing you may have noticed about my friends it's that our shoulder breadth-to-waist width ratios are extremely impressive. Those ratios don't come about by not having door gyms, people. They come about by yes having door gyms.

Cost: $who gives a shit, you can't put a price on physical perfection
Risks: Shirts become tighter, Body becomes deadly weapon that can be used for ill, Government constantly pesters you to head their new super soldier unit

Tempur-pedic Pillows

2007-02-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

First, the caveats. This is a sleeping pillow. You'll need other pillows for such uses as propping yourself up while you write in your diary, making a fort, fighting, and creating a comfortable sex-having topography.

And this is a firm pillow. If you're one of these folks who likes a weak, floppy pillow, look elsewhere.

But I'm a firm pillow man. I like Swedish scientists to determine how firm my pillow should be. And if you're like me, you'll want the latest in viscoelastic technology. I sleep deeply and thoroughly ever since I equipped my bed with one of these guys. Every day at work I look as energetic as this lady.

Price: $39 to $399 for the Grand. What sultan of comfort has that I wonder?!

60 Thompson

2007-02-06T17:20:00.000-08:00

This weekend I was in New York City and it was pretty badass, if I do say so myself.

Mostly because I got to stay at 60 Thompson, in Soho.

I would move into this hotel if I lived in New York or was a kept woman. I'd totally replicate Eloise's life in the Plaza, but at 60 Thom.

(For those of you not female, Eloise is the little girl who lived at the Plaza Hotel with her Nanny in Kay Thompson's classic little girl's book "Eloise".)

60 Thompson is tucked away on the corner of Thompson and Broome, two adorable little streets in Soho. (My favorite Soho street of all time is Greene Street. Oh my god, it's insane. I would give all my toes to own a loft on the corner of like, Greene and Broome. Seriously. Never again could I wear sandals, just for an apartment there.)

The inside of the hotel is sleek and minimalist, but comfy. Thombar, the bar on the lobby level, is a quiet little pick-up joint, not cheesy, but dim and sexy.

And the room! The mini-bar was stocked with Dean & Deluca snacks of every variety, including their famous chocolate bars (I had the Cookies & Cream). The room also comes with copies of hip and helpful magazines, like TimeOut and Papermag. I could've spent a rewarding day just lying on my oversized hotel bed reading magazines and eating D&D parmesan wafers and Dewars. I almost did this.

The great part of staying in Soho is that you wake up, walk outside and every store is a gorgeous little boutique. Barbara Bui, Wolford, Miu Miu, Alpana Bawa. Or it's a huge, fun flagship store like Prada or H&M. And the restaurants! Inside of 60 Thompson itself is the best Thai food in New York, Kittichai.

I will also add that the hotel room came with an "intimacy kit", which I loved. It was like they were saying "We are so awesome you will be having sex in this hotel." And you most likely will.

Price: $250-$1000/night
good for: trips to New York that you want to romantic and hip and completely memorable.

Great Line

2007-02-01T19:22:00.000-08:00

Ben Franklin: "Actually, I was never president."
Michael Scott: "Yes, but Ben Franklin was."

Good work, Kaling.

Fucking weirdo episode.

Snookies

2007-01-31T18:26:00.000-08:00

I recently heard Beyonce being interviewed on NPR with Terry Gross. I don't remember all that much about it but I do remember Beyonce talking fondly about how she had a lot of fun putting back on the weight she lost for her role in "Dreamgirls".

Since then I have been fantasizing about doing that like crazy. I can't wait to have some role where I play a refugee or a drug addict or something and get super gaunt and sad-looking, and then how fucking awesome it will be to put back on twenty pounds. And Snookies Cookies is how I'll do it, for sure.

Snookies are the best cookies I have ever eaten. If you try them, you will not argue with me. If you give them to someone as a present, they will love you forever. They are buttery and soft, and are just the right amount of crumbly, chewy and firm. We received a big basket of them when we won an Emmy last year, and I swear I was more excited about them than the bottles of Dom Perignon and Cristal we got (I drank enough Dom and Crist when Jay-Z and I had that thing summer of 2005).

Good for: New moms, dinner party gifts, celebrations, bake sales.
Price: $30-$60 (the best package, the one I got for my friend Lester and his wife when they had their first baby, is the milk & cookies combo, where they send you ice cold milk on ice and a big box of cookies)
www.snookies.com

Mike & Chris

2007-01-31T08:23:00.000-08:00

Man, I love Mike & Chris. They're this totally cute pair of screenwriters who wrote the last three Owen Wilson-Vince Vaughn movies I hooked up with at Sundance.

Just kidding!!

Hilarious jokes aside, Mike & Chris is a line of sweatshirts and hoodies designed by husband-wife team Mike Gonzalez and Christine Park-Gonzalez.

When I buy clothing, I - like most girls - will usually splurge on fancy, trendy clothes, ie. dresses for special occasions, blouses with sparkles, just really formal things. This is a big mistake. These clothes sit in my closet forever, and then when I finally have an opportunity to wear them, I'm bored with them. (except you should always, always, always buy flats that are gold, silver or sparkly, like these Miu Miu glitter-rhine stone flats from last season. Fancy flats go with everything and you will wear them constantly)

I fixed this flawed way of thinking. Now I only splurge on items of clothing I will wear constantly. Which is why I splurge primarily on Mike & Chris hoodies.

The fit and attention to detail on Mike & Chris hoodies are insane. They are the most flattering, comfortable clothes, but they make you look like this insanely cool badass girl who lives on Rivington Street or in Echo Park or something with her gorgeous, aloof boyfriend (but you secretly live in Midtown or by the Grove or something, like me).

As a comedy writer, you can pretty much wear anything shitty you want to work. You can wear like, jam shorts and a torn t-shirt and no one will say boo about it. It might even become something people find charming about you. For instance, my boss primarily wears things that he received as free promotional items or clothes from high school (the exceptions at my work are writers Caroline Williams and Gene Stupnitsky, who dress like Pat Benatar and Julian Casablancas at their heights, respectively). But basically, I can't wear some fabulous Anna Sui dress to work or people would think I was weird, or trying too hard. But I still want to look cute. That's why Mike & Chris is so awesome. Also, if you've had a rough night or are hung-over and don't feel like putting in any effort in looking nice, a Mike & Chris pullover over jeans and flats is pretty much the coolest, simplest outfit out there.

Price: pricey. anywhere from $120 - $350, and we're talking about sweatshirts and stuff. But it is totally, utterly worth it, because you will live in these guys.

www.girlshop.com or check www.mikeandchris.com for stores.

Things I borrowed that I Love

2007-01-29T15:13:00.000-08:00

I wore a Stephen Burrows dress to the SAG awards last night, and it's my favorite dress I've worn to any awards show.

I was trolling on style.com looking for inspiration for what to wear to the awards and found his line. I then googled the designer, found his website and literally cold-called. I don't have a publicist or stylist or anything, so I was completely psyched when they graciously said okay. I read up more about him, and the more I read the more I love. He's basically this awesome designer who uses bright, vibrant colors, and his clothes have a sexy booty-hugging fit. His main offices are in Harlem, and he outfits a really diverse group of celebrities, including Iman and The Supremes(!). So, yeah, I kind of feel like a totally big deal. Also, not a single other lady was wearing my color.

They also sent me these ridiculously sick cherry red satin Christian Louboutin shoes (you can't see them on me, but you can see them on the much-less pretty model modelling my dress above).

Also, does my head look huge in this picture? I feel a little self-conscious.

Price: Priceless.

www.stephenburrows.com

The Funniest Book Ever

2007-01-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I never posted about this. John Swartzwelder, the writer of 59 Simpsons episodes, self-publishes books that are available on Amazon.com. They are all hilarious but this is the best one. This book will make you laugh out loud many many times, and then get horribly depressed because you realize you will never be as funny as John Swartzwelder.

Betsey Johnson rhinestone clutch

2007-01-27T13:10:00.001-08:00

Listen, I know when you think of Betsey Johnson you think of 15 year old girls party dresses. Actually, since this is mostly dudes who read this, you probably don't think of anything in particular. You're probably not even reading this. At any rate.

Betsey Johnson is ultra, awesomely feminine and playful. But sometimes her style teeters right on the edge of, like, being overly girly (and this is me writing this).

In comedy, there's this term 'gilding the lily' or 'hat on a hat' which explains how you can sometimes ruin a joke by adding some extra little bit of comedy when the joke is simple and clear*. It's basically a lack of restraint. That's kind of the comedy equivalent of what Betsey Johnson can do with clothes. She takes a pretty pink dress with a bow, and then, like, adds piping to it or a lace overlay or a sequins hem that can sometimes take away some of the overall awesomeness of it.

However, Betsey Johnson's love of details has yielded a truly phenomenal accessories line. This clutch, dark velvet with rhinestone details, has gotten me more compliments than any other accessory I've ever owned. I wear it with jeans and a fitted black sweater, or something simple, so it pops. I would be devastated if I ever lost it.

Good for: any girl.

Price: $138.00 (I got it at full price at the Betsey Johnson store on Melrose, but it's on about 50% off sale at overstock.com for $64.95)

*I realize how totally condescending and weird that I started a sentence "In comedy...". What am I, George Meyer teaching freshmen satire at Swarthmore? But that's the only analogy I could think up!

U.R.A.Q.T.

2007-01-23T13:42:00.000-08:00

Just found a likely candidate for Song of My Life. An actual lyric is: "It's all about the low-brow brown girl".

M.I.A. is ridiculously cool. So cool that actually, I'm not always into her music. It's too edgy and awesome for my taste. But M.I.A. and I are both creative Tamil girls who date pale artsy guys and stuff and I'm crazily into her.

U.R.A.Q.T. is the most fun, infectious song about loving your fun boyfriend so fucking bad you want to wreck the awful girls who think they can get on him. Ugh, I hate that!

Dt-Dt-Dt On your mobile phone
Dt-Dt-Dt On your mobile phone
You Fuck my Man and Wreck my home,
I'll get my bro to rob your phone

Now Could it be that me and He
Are tighter than J-lo in her jeans
And Could it be that me and He
Are tighter than R.Kelly in his teens
You fucking With My man
And you text him all the time
You might've had him once
But I got him all the time

Dt-Dt-Dt On your mobile phone
Dt-Dt-Dt On your mobile phone
You Fuck my Man and Wreck my home,
I'll get my bro to rob your phone

U R A Q T
Is your Dad a dealer Cause you're dope to me
You Throw them Balls across the country
You win gold medals for when you're with me
You Big Dummy

Right then, It's On

He ain't no Word for scrabble
You don't get points for doubles
Menage Trois Lalalalala
I'll bill you for your droudles
You done lost your marble
Like a ball I'll make you dribble
Your the shrapnels in the rubble
I'm a raging bull, a rebel
It's all about the low-blow brown Girl
The No blood, no Love hot girl
The jnkn jnkn jumping off the decks girl
The jnkn jnkn jumping off the rocks girl
You big Dummy

U R A Q T
Is your Dad a dealer Cause you're dope to me
You Throw them Balls across the country
You win gold medals for when you're with me
You Big Dummy

Price: $1.99 on iTunes. (Can you believe that! $1.99 to make you smile the whole day?!)

Thrifty

2007-01-23T10:36:00.000-08:00

I like to buy used stuff. There is nothing better than a thrift store in a non-urban area populated by the elderly. While in L.A., here are my suggestions.

-Wasteland on Melrose / Wasteland on Fourth in Santa Monica.
-Resale: CrossRoads on Santa Monica Blvd. / CrossRoads on Melrose / Buffalo Exchange on La Brea.
-The only Goodwill where I’ve had any luck is in West L.A. on Santa Monica Blvd.
-The Japanese know good thrift: go to Shabon on Beverly or Popkiller on Sunset. Small and pricey but good.
-American Rag is definitely overpriced but I’m always buying stuff there.
-Jet Rag is too junky and everything on the east side of town has been picked over by the hipsters except sometimes Squaresville on Vermont.
-The Rose Bowl Swap Meet on the second Sunday of every month in Pasadena. Get there early (like 7am). The selection is great but don’t expect to find furniture. Everyone wants Mid-Century tables and chairs but you will not get them cheap so just save your pennies and go to Palm Springs to buy the good stuff.
-For less selection and less hassle go to the Fairfax swap meet on Sundays at Fairfax High School. Anything further than that is too far.
-For paintings and assorted crap (not clothes), there are two thrift stores on Fairfax between Olympic and Pico. The ones on the west side of the street. There you will find gems like a large, amateur (prison?) portrait of Bo Derek, nude in cornrows with giant, asymmetrical breasts.
*If you have more suggestions, please let me know

Here are my rules of thrifting:
Holes are okay. Underpaid tailors in drycleaners can sew/hem/adjust anything for ten bucks. It’s worth it. However, if something has a wee moth bite and you think you can sew it up and have yourself some nice cashmere on the cheap, you are wrong. Dead wrong. Microscopic beasties are living in that hole and they will have babies on all of your other clothes which will soon have holes as well. Also, steer clear of stains in the crotch area. Other stains are on a case-by-case basis (i.e. can you use bleach? Does it look like somebody died? What kind of death?). A musty odor is not necessarily a bad thing. It just needs a little hot wash and Febreeze. BO on the other hand, may never go away completely. But if the item is awesome, buy it anyway. We’re all human. Smells keep us real.

I'm a PC.

2007-01-22T15:12:00.000-08:00

I'm so a PC.

I might be the only comedy writer on the planet who is not crazy about Macs. And I tried! I know how sexy Macs are! Who wouldn't want that dope Williamsburgy-Peet's Coffee-DJ Samantha Ronson-y cachet of being utterly Mac?

But I'm not. We use Macs at work, and the really hi-tech ones with cameras and stuff. I love being able to check my makeup on the video thingy, and I like how white and clean and shiny mine is... but I cannot find my shit on my Mac. I save something and it ends up in some file and I can never find it again. And I can't search for it because I don't know how. And if I download something, I have no clue how to open it and then it poof disappears. And I don't understand all the millions of icons on my desktop. There is literally an icon of two faces smiling at me and I have no fucking idea what it does. I clicked on something last week and all of a sudden i was like creating and making a home movie or some shit like that. I know this makes me sound elderly and complainy but at least with my unsexy clunky old regular PC I can click on "search" and find the things I need.

But I do love Justin Long. Man, he is so cute. He has that lanky goony Krasinski look that is so totally adorable. Most of the guys I know completely hate him, which I believe is a testament to what a biscuit he is. I think PC should hire Jay Baruchel or Casey Affleck or some equally off-beat cutie to do their ads.

(Or I guess they could continue their current ad campaign, which seems roughly to be: "Let's not advertise at all. Let the hipsters, gays, Jews and elite writers of Los Angeles and New York City use Macs, we'll take everyone else.")

This meanwhile, is my little PC laptop, which is tiny and reliable, even if it isn't endorsed by Bono or whomever.

It's a Sony Vaio and it weighs 2 lbs and I adore it. I feel about it the way I imagine Paris Hilton feels about her disgusting little chihuahua. I brought it with me to Paris and to New York and have dropped it a million times and thrown it in anger at boys and it still works. I got it at CompUSA, the least sexy place on the planet. But I still go to the Apple Store to check email and ogle boys and stuff. So I guess I'm a PC in Mac's clothing.

Price: $2,100 at Comp USA.

Chocolate Covered Altoids

2007-01-21T18:43:00.000-08:00

Altoids are gross, man. I don't get why people like them so much. It's like, "Hey. do you like that painfully strong and uncomfortable sensation of Listerine? You do? Well we converted that feeling into a weird little chalky mint we think you'll really enjoy."

But, per usual, chocolate saves the day.

New chocolate covered Altoids, my friends. Something that Mindy Ephron has that she fucking LOVES. But, I didn't buy them. During the Golden Globes, they had complimentary boxes of them at some gift lounge I went to, and they are honestly better than the free heels and bras and jeans I got, which is saying a lot, seeing how unbearably materialistic I am. I took 8 tins of them.

Oddly, they are not available on altoids.com, though you can get all other kinds of Altoids there. This makes me feel like they haven't "dropped" yet, and you should get some now so before every cool kat in your hood is touting choco-Alts.

Order them at www.candywarehouse.com
Price: $18 for 6 boxes (you can only order in bulk, but don't worry. You will finish these bad boys. You can get peppermint or cinnamon. I like cinnamon but both are great.)

Contributors: you don't believe me? Post here for a free tin and be converted.

Little Black Dresses Part 1

2007-01-19T07:54:00.000-08:00

Never stop yourself from buying a little black dress, especially if they are knee length or tea-length (easy to dress up or dress down) and are on sale. I would have a hundred little black dresses. They're flirty, flattering, and guys totally like them because they're little dresses and they can look at your calves and knees and stuff.

Shoshanna is the party dress line to beat. Her stuff is young and fun and not as pricey, as say, a Lewis Cho or Geren Ford dress (also stunning, but yikes! $500 for a little black dress??).

And Cynthia Rowley, well, I'm just smitten. I stop by her store on Melrose every week to see what's new on the sale rack. It's more pricey than Shoshanna, but her colors and detailing make her dresses the most sophisticated/girly creations around. I dare you to not make out with a guy in a Cynthia Rowley dress. And her website has sick sales. This might be the first time I'm actually hesitant to share things that I've love that I've bought!

And if you're not wearing these to dates or parties, pair them with a fitted, bright red cardigan or a little black blazer, you can also pass as a coquettish receptionist from the 50's ala Elizabeth Banks in the Spiderman movies.

Get these, but only if you want to look incredibly fucking cute.

These two dresses happened to go on sale and I own them both.

Strapless Cynthia Rowley: $209 (on sale) cynthiarowley.com
Sparkly Shoshanna: $175 (on sale) bluefly.com

Traveling Salesmen & The Return

2007-01-19T06:43:00.000-08:00

I don't usually plug episodes of "The Office" but I recently bought and downloaded "Traveling Salesmen" and "The Return", written by Michael Schur, Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky.

It's a two-parter that just aired and it's so fucking good. I had seen cuts of it, obviously, before it aired, and read the scripts a million times, but they were still a total delight to watch.

The three guys, Gene, Lee and Mike - who have never written together - had barely a week to come up with two episodes, and these might very well be my two of my series favorites. Almost every character in our enormous cast has a moment of total in-character hilariousness. It's also pretty amazing because Lee, Gene and Mike are a bunch of fucking idiots so whenever they do something good I'm like "Wow. Didn't expect that."

Price: $3.98 (for both) on iTunes. While you're at it, download "Tracy does Conan" from 30 Rock, which has one of the funniest lines of any show this season, when Liz Lemon asks Jack why he's wearing a tuxedo and he responds: "It's after six. What am I, a farmer?"

Nail Polish!

2007-01-17T22:39:00.000-08:00

Getting your nails done is one of the really cool things girls and gay guys get to do that guys can't, and it's sad. It is so much fun to have a nice lady massage your hands with lotion and ask about your day and recommend the best bbq places in KTown (not racist, Danny, because this ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME.)

But I can't even keep up with nail polish trends.

Should they be sheer and pink? Pearly white? Pitch black?

After years of getting manicures I realized two things: 1) you NEVER need to be paying more than 10 bucks for a manicure, no matter what, and 2) you only ever need these five colors.

I keep them all stashed in the bottom of my huge purse and break them out when I get manicures. I've learned it's good to buy your own polishes and bring them with you. You can't always trust the polish at salons. The brands can be cheap and then your nails with chip, or they water them down with alcohol. Everyone looks good in these colors; blondes, Asians, Indians, black girls (I have a super diverse group of girlfriends) and I promise you will have a dope polish NO MATTER WHAT SEASON IT IS FOR THE REST OF TIME.

For dark, plum vamp-y first date nails: Chanel "Madness"
For happy pure red (that isn't too tranny, as bright reds can be): OPI "I'm Not Realy a Waitress"
For rich, brown "I'm a sexy professional lady thank you very much" nails: Essie "Chocolate Brown Truffle"
For whimsical, flirty, summertime light blue toes: Hard Candy "Sky"
For "I will never get a regular manicure, I need something that won't show when it chips, I don't want to be adventurous, but I want to look presentable": OPI "Mademoiselle"

For a line of nail polish that is pretty much unbeatable, try Lippman. Their pallette is fantastic, and includes the amazing "Nefertiti", a sparkly gold lacquer tha makes anyone look like Cleopatra (but not the goddess Nefertiti. Weird, huh?).

For: Girls, girls, girls!!

Price: $7-$15 (Chanel, Hard Candy and Nars will run you up higher, but the colors are completely worth it, and you will not find them in most nail salons. OPI and Essie you will find in most places!)

Oh my god you guys

2007-01-16T08:55:00.000-08:00

My love is like whoa.

Beyonce is just like a super-gorgeous regular human.

J.Lo on the other hand, is an ethereal bronze goddess. She was in front of me on the red carpet and it was so weird. People yell "Big smile Jennifer!" and it's like they're shouting nonsense words at this stony-faced Aztec princess. Her husband/handler Marc Anthony just looked so Rats of Nimh compared to her.

Both have amazing asses, and believe me, I checked.

And that is my Beyonce/J.Lo Golden Globes 2007 update.

Cufflinks

2007-01-14T23:30:00.000-08:00

Cufflinks take a lot of extra time in the morning, so I never wear them. But I got these for Christmas and I really like them. I usually wear them with jeans and a dress shirt, but I also wore them with a suit and I liked how it looked. Girls seem to like them.

The brand is Fornasetti, which I've never heard of. But I like having two pairs of gals lips on my wrists.

Good for fucking awesome dudes who know how to dress, I suppose.

Price: $485 (ouch) but sterling silver (still painful) at barneys.com

No Hateration, no Holleration.

2007-01-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

I like only one singer better than Beyonce.

Mary J. Blige is so fucking badass. She was a junkie and an alcoholic and a busted-up looking, tantrum-throwing diva and has a scar on her cheek she won't talk about. Now she's polished, has a smoking body, and expensive-looking hair, but still wails like the gospel mama she totally is.

This album is kind of a greatest hits. It came out the middle of December but I finally got a chance to listen to it this week. I can't stop!! It's top to bottom awesome.

I saw her sing live on SNL and nearly passed out. She commits so hard. It was like that one Grammy's when she sang "No More Drama" and the camera panned over the audience and by Celine Dion, who was, like, crying cuz she was so sad she couldn't be as awesome as Mary J. Blige.

Other cool things about Mary J. Blige: I saw her sing crazy gospel trills in 5 inch stilleto Timberland boots, and superhot painted-on skinny jeans. Also, her face in repose looks exactly like a pretty doe. God, she's the best.

Tracks I love are: No One Will Do, Be Without You, and of course, Family Affair.

If you buy this and don't like it, I will give you $9.99.

Price: $9.99 on iTunes

Calling the Kettle DELICIOUS

2007-01-10T14:30:00.000-08:00

Much like the product I will write about, this post shall be SHORT and SWEET.

I'm no Lorne Michaels, but I do love me some popcorn. Especially kettle corn.

Introducing the 100 calorie snack-size pack of kettle corn popcorn. Perfect for a midday snack around the office. $23.70 for 60 pouches.

"Le French Sex Shoppe"

2007-01-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

On occasion, my job takes me to exciting locales. This morning we had the opportunity to visit Le Sex Shoppe, a sex shop in Sherman Oaks, which we renamed "Le French Sex Shoppe" for the purposes of my script.

My friend and co-worker who is the most puritanical is Michael Schur.

He hates when people make off-color jokes and is a real priss. I am almost always in a constant state of his disapproval. Except once a week or so he'll hit us with the filthiest fucking joke we have ever heard in our lives and everyone is scandalized. Then he quickly divorces himself from the comment. It goes something like this.

Mindy: Something cute, clever and charming.
(people laugh)
Writer B: Something funny, relevant.
Writer C: Something building on that, making it even funnier.
Michael: Something mind-blowingly, off-the-charts filthy.
(stunned silence)
Michael: What? Who said that? (looks around the room)
Writer B: You did.
Michael: Nope. Let's get back to work, you lazy fuckers.

And it works! Michael still gets to keep a pristine rep and purport to be a classy William Shawn type.

That's why I got him this "Hottie Way" street sign from Le Sex Shoppe. It's exactly the kind of lame, not-really-that-funny, tawdry thing Michael hates the most. But, as is the writers code, you must put up on your wall anything any other writer gives you. (edited to add: the best example of this being that I gave Michael a poster of Bridget Jones Diary 2 and he had it up in his office for an entire year. Especially awesome since this was the only decoration in his office. Later, this movie was referenced as the worst movie ever made in "A Benihana Christmas". Fun Fact!)

Price: $6.99

Things That, If You Bought Them, I Would Love You

2007-01-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

From the great gaming minds at LucasArts and the comedy B-game of Danny Chun comes Thrillville, a video game for Xbox, PS2, and PSP in which you run around an amusement park doing things. I wrote the cutscenes and punched up the in-game dialogue, which one review site called "laugh-out-loud funny" and some others called "repetitive" and "weird."

Anyway, the point is that this game would be a good gift for kids whose parents don't love them enough to buy them next-gen consoles yet.

The Molly Forrester Mystery Series

2007-01-09T16:54:00.000-08:00

What if Carrie Bradshaw solved murder mysteries?

Molly Forrester is an advice columnist for Zeitgeist magazine but wants to be taken seriously as a journalist.

Then she witnesses a murder!

How the rest unfolds I will keep secret, so you may enjoy it as much as I did.

As a connoisseur of chick lit, I would say this is near the top of the pile. The author, Sheryl J. Anderson is one of my new favorites. The Forrester series is not quite as good as masterpieces like Helen Fielding's "Bridget Jones's Diary" or Jennifer Weiner's "Good in Bed", but still super great, especially because it's a SERIES so you don't fall in love with the characters and then poof! they're gone (still waiting for the next Bridget Jones book). You can always count on more Molly.

The joys of this book are the great, specific references about fashion and New York City that many girls will appreciate - which aren't thrown about in a clinky way as Plum Sykes did in the disappointing "Bergdorf Blondes". Molly steps in pools of blood with her Jimmy Choos, you guys. Oh! And there's also a totally adorable homocide detective.

There are four in this series so far.

Good for: girls who don't take themselves too seriously, girlfriends going on long cross-continental flights, some moms, many teenage girls.

Price: $6.99 (paperback) to $24.99 (hardcover) on amazon.com

I'm Indian, by the way.

2007-01-08T11:54:00.000-08:00

I don't get to eat enough Indian food.

My inclination would be to eat it 2-3 times a week, but I can't because Indian food at restaurants eaten in that quantity would make me thick as hell (see previous post). The problem is that restaurants make curries cream based, not tomato or low-fat yogurt based, like in home-cooked food (ever wonder why you can't stop mopping up that tikka sauce? it's half and half you guys!). Also, Indian food is impractical at work. You can't write jokes or anything when you're asleep under the table of the conference room at your job. Which is what I do. Professional.

There are two obstacles with me cooking Indian food for myself: 1) The Bombay Cafe on Pico.

The Bombay Cafe is the sleekest, most fun, tastiest Indian food in town, which is ten minutes away from me. And 2) whenever I actually want to cook, Indian recipes call for teaspoons and sprinkles of about 11 different hard-to-find spices.

That's why Dean and DeLuca's Indian spice kit is so awesome. No more wandering around Pakistani grocery-cum-video stores asking if they have tamarind powder! Spices include: Ground Allspice, Cayenne Pepper, Curry Powder Blend, Fenugreek Seed, Nigella and Tandoori Blend. All in adorable little Dean & Deluca steel containers. It's great as a present for a worldly fun newlyweds who want to make Indian food and invite you over. Or your favorite college professor.

price: $55 at deananddeluca.com or in stores (the one on Broadway in Soho, anyway)

100 Calorie Snacks

2007-01-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

Oh my god, you guys! I totally put on seven pounds over the holidays.

Seven pounds is the difference between looking cute running around in tight jeans and a tank top, or wearing a sweatshirt over corduroys every day of the week and looking super dykey. I feel so thick, and not Beyonce thick. Like Loretta Devine thick. Yikes.

Let's discuss for a bit exactly how this happened. I got a lot of food gifts from employers and things. My boss sent me a Mrs. Beasley lemon pound cake. I got cookies and cheese straws and bars of every variety. The problem is that I don't have, like, three kids and a husband to eat all of it, so it gets put in the pile of food items to nibble on while I watch Law & Order.

Also contributing: I went to New York, took cabs everywhere instead of walking, and visited A Salt & Battery, Mas, The Fatty Crab, Donut Plant, and Babbo. (To my credit I resisted going to Pies & Thighs (really, that's the name) in Brooklyn - a place that sells pies and fried chicken for $8). I also drank midori sours and daquiris every night, and, while drunk, eat pizza or peanuts with other drunk people. What is the matter with me?

I realized that during the month of December, I ate like every meal was my last one, ever. It hit me New Years eve, when I went to Henrietta's Table in Cambridge for brunch with friends and I ate more than my friend Steven, who is 6'3".

That's why I invested in several boxes of the new 100 Calories Snack Packs that they sell now. Fight fire with fire, right?

They're awesome. They're tasty junk foods like Oreos and Wheat Thins and Doritos, except you have a limit: one little bag of deliciousness!

But wait, Mindy. How do you not eat like 8 bags at once?

That my friends, is the big question. Will this be something I've bought that I loathe?

Only time will tell.

Princess Tam-Tam and SpoyLt

2007-01-01T15:46:00.000-08:00

New contributor carolinehope and I recently came to the conclusion that women should wear matching underwear. And not just so if you get into a car accident and some cute ER doctor has to cut your clothes from your body you are looking smokin hot on a gurney. Because knowing you have adorable matching underwear on is like having a secret private joke with yourself, and gives you the leeway that any day - even a work day - could end up kind of unexpectedly sexy and cool. You feel like Jamie Lee Curtis in "True Lies", I guess.

So with some sadness, I tossed all my mismatched underwear and started investing in some dope new unmentionables. Great lingerie is outrageously expensive and there are million considerations given what works for you body. Shops like Agent Provocateur are fun but those bras are of the ooh-la-la variety and not appropriate for going to work in your sunless bunker in Van Nuys.

So that leaves Victoria's Secret and boutique brands.

There is a bit of a divided stance among the women I know if Victoria's Secret bras are actually any good. I tend to think they're fine, but I'm never too jazzed on their designs. However, Victoria's Secret does carry designer lines of gorgeously designed and well-made brands like Chantal Thomass, Princesse Tam-Tam and SpoyLt (also, coincidentally, the names of the other girls in my phone sex operation). And during the semi-annual sale, you can get them at a huge discount. Bras for $128 are for $79, bras for $79 are for $49 (still pricey, I know, but they are so, so, so great.)

I'd advise shopping online for this. The stock flies at the stores and the lines are insane.
www.victoriassecret.com (then click on "Designer Lines")

p.s. In New York, there was a great lingerie shop called BodyHints. They are the self-proclaimed Sephora of lingerie shops. Go there if you're lucky enough to live in New York.
462 West Broadway between Prince and Houston Sts., 212-777-8677

Blood on my pillow!

2006-12-29T13:17:00.000-08:00

My lips get crazy chapped in the winter. Also, I have this habit where I bite my bottom lip non-stop whenever I write. The combination is deadly for cute soft lips. In fact, Christmas eve morning, I woke up with blood on my pillow because I bit my lips while I slept and they were so chapped they started bleeding in the middle of the night. Ew, right? Blood on my pillow should remain an old-timey indicator that I have tuberculosis, and NOT that I have icky dry crackle-lips from hell.

My elbows, knuckles and knees also get very dry in the winter. It feels tight and crackly and I hate how it looks.

Luckily, there are two great products I have found make my skin and lips smooth and soft and awesome.

One is Sephora's amazing Body Butter. It is full of yummy moisturizing ingredients like shea butter, Italian olive oil, and Brazilian cupuacu. What is cupuacu, you ask? I looked it up on wikipedia.

"Cupuaçu seeds can be made into cupulate, which looks and tastes just like chocolate but is cheaper and more resistant to heat. Asahi Foods, a Japanese company, once tried to patent the production and use of Cupuaçu seed fat, but they failed."

I will totally smear that shit on my body.

It is super moisturizing, but unlike other super moisturizing lotions like Lubriderm, it doesn't have a medicinal smell, nor is it perfume-y like most cosmetic brand lotion. It's even better than Kiehl's Creme de la Corps, which I used to hold as the gold standard for all things moisturizer (and which is very pricey, at $42 for a large bottle). The Body Butter has a nice, clean scent of an honest person. And your skin gets so soft everyone will want to touch you all day. I'd buy it online, because twice when I have gone to Sephora they have run out of it.

As for lips, nobody does it better than Kiehls. I've tried Carmex and whatever but that shit tingles too much and when you kiss a person wearing Carmex, it makes your lips all vaseliney and tingly too. Yuck. Also, I'm basically against those kind of balms where you have to carry a tiny tub around and get your index finger covered in it every time you use it.

Also, this lip balm has SPF, so awesome.

Price: $15 for 5oz, $25 for 16oz available at Sephora.com

Price: $7.50 for a .5oz tube, available at Kiehls.com or in stores.

Solar ipod + Phone charger

2006-12-27T17:00:00.000-08:00

I don't own this yet, it's in the mail.

I'm very psyched to be posting about a gadget because I don't usually. And since this one utilizes solar power and charges both your cell phone AND your iPod... that pretty much makes me Chloe from "24", doesn't it?

"This small and lightweight device has three wings that expand to catch sunlight for solar power. The solar battery efficiently recharges iPods® and cell phones using the latest solar technology. Weatherproof and portable, Better Energy Systems' Solio collects solar energy in town or out in the field—anywhere the sun is shining. And it's simple to use—a red LED indicates the level of charge."

So now even if I forget to charge something, my good buddy Helios the Sun God can help me out. Solar power is so fucking cool. Leonardo diCaprio taught me that.

This is the best.

I'll have to update you when I receive it.

Price: $100

at www.redenvelope.com

Slingbox

2006-12-26T19:20:00.000-08:00

This year my favorite present was an electronic device called a Slingbox. My mom and dad got it for me.

Basically what a Slingbox does is sits by your TV and hooks up to both your DVR and your internet connection. Then it allows you to access your DVR from anywhere you can get online. Pretty cool, right?

Since I do a lot of traveling for work, it will be great to watch my DVR'd shows in another city. Plus, when I get back to New York I'll no longer have a bunch of entertainment debt I feel obligated to pay off.

Price: About $220

You can read more about the Slingbox here or see me give a live demonstration of it here.

Fever Pitch, you guys!

2006-12-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

My uncle, my dad, my brother and I are going to the Red Sox-Angels game on April 15th at Fenway Park.

For Christmas presents for the men in my family, I was going to get Sox-Yankees tickets but four tickets in the *bleachers* is like $800!!

So I compromised and got pretty cool seats for the Angels games. Right Field Box 19, Row B.

I did some extensive googling of Fenway park seating charts and even got a free consultation from some experts from Fire Joe Morgan.

For those of you not familar with it, Fire Joe Morgan is a sports blog so unbelievably difficult to understand and so full of dude references and boring baseball shit, I only check it to see if Mrs. Tremendous is mentioned doing something fabulous (and sometimes there are funny jokes too.) Anyway, two FJM bloggers kindly pulled themselves from their caves at espn.com or whatever, and gave me tips about how to buy seats at Fenway.

Ken Tremendous recommended seats below grandstand level, because above that, the seats are in the shade and very cold. These seats are around $300. Murbles told me the best seats are above the Green Monster, which, upon research, are like $2000 each! Apparently blogging for Fire Joe Morgan is an amazingly lucrative job. Ken Tremendous did tell me that right field is super fun, as long as you're not blocked by the Pesky Pole or other weird poles. That was very helpful in buying my tickets.

It's probably fine no matter what, because in truth, I don't know very much about baseball, except I believe that the chances of someone rushing on the field and proposing to me are really high, right? That happens like every game at least once, right?

Price: it's a range. I think Yankees games at Fenway are pretty much only for the super-rich or personal relations of Tom Werner. For non Yankees games, I think you can get pretty good seats for around $150 a person.

To find out more about Fire Joe Morgan, go to www.firejoemorgan.blogspot.com.

You can't buy love!

2006-12-25T08:51:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

Kate's Paperie.

2006-12-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

Oh, Kate. I've got it so bad for you.

When you love to shop as much as I do, it seems silly to not wrap the presents you spent so much time selecting in a totally fucking dope way.

Kate's Paperie is one of the most fun stores in Manhattan. If you have no disposable income, it's one of the worst stores ever. Truly, there is not a single item in the store that is reasonably priced. But a visit to Kate's, like Dean and DeLuca, or ABC Carpet & Home, lets you imagine yourself if you were Manhattan-rich and had your life in total stylish order, and that is worth every penny.

I love their wrapping paper. Believe me, most of the time I use whatever is around my apartment, and I'm embarassed to reveal that up until around age 23 I would use the x-rated phone sex section of the Village Voice to wrap presents... but Christmas is different, because the gifts sit under the blinking pretty lights of a Christmas tree and everyone gets to look at them!

And so if I happen to be near Kate's, which I am, and feeling rich, which eh, feh, whatever, I'll pick up some of their wrapping paper.

Personally I think the bows here are a little much and overpriced, so I'd just stick to the pre-curled stringlets at Rite-Aid or CVS. Let's not get carried away, people.

Price: $3.50 a sheet or around $9 a roll.

Kate's Paperie
Soho
561 Broadway
(between Prince and Spring Streets)
New York, NY 10012
(there are about 4 more in Manhattan)
or:

www.katespaperie.com

All About Grandmothers.

2006-12-22T13:48:00.000-08:00

Grandmothers, huh?

If your grandmother likes to read, it's easier. I have given my grandmother "Pride & Prejudice" in every conceivable form there is: book, unabridged book, audio tape, DVD starring Colin Firth, DVD starring Keira Knightley, novelization of the Keira Knightley movie. Well no, I didn't give her that. But I would if it existed.

Grandmothers seem to like Jane Austen (coincedentally, so do I). "Persuasion" and "Mansfield Park" are good choices too. When my grandmother, Amita, finished all of the Jane Austen, it was on to Edith Wharton (my favorite author of all time, coincedentally). Then it was modern-day romantic novels like Bridges of Madison County and Cold Mountain.

If books are no good, there are other options. I kind of think the store Crabtree & Evelyn was invented so that young men and women can buy things for elderly women.

Have you tried there? They have really nice hand creams, and my grandmother always complains about her hands being too brittle or chapped all the time. There's one in Rockefeller Center, actually. (You will hate it there, by the way. It's done up like the inside of the ladies house in Arsenic and Old Lace.)

Shawls are also a good option, if your grandmother is always chilly, like mine is.

I got my grandmother this one from Eileen Fisher (great store for gifts for moms and grandmothers). It was even on sale for $79 and comes in a lot of pretty colors.

If you want to give a pricier gift, I think bracelets are nice presents. I personally love charm bracelets, and they're trinket-y enough that I think grandmothers like them as well. This juicy one is only $35, and you can personalize it with charms.

Presents for Grandmothers

2006-12-22T13:14:00.000-08:00

Yo. Anyone have any ideas on what the get grandmothers for Christmas? Wait, I'll stop being so mysterious. I mean, what should I get my grandmother for Christmas?

She's 88.